Open letter to my swamp coolers

Dear Swamp Coolers,

Why do you hate me? Is it because J and I frequently talk about replacing you with refrigerated air? Is it because we didn't replace the winter covers after they blew off in February? Is it because you think I need to clean the house more often? I really can't figure out why you have such a vendetta against me, but you clearly do because you broke last week and then broke again today.

Seriously, what's the deal? Do I need to spend all my time scrubbing the kitchen? Swear up and down that the refrigerated air talk will stop? Sacrifice a goat? Please, just tell me and stop randomly breaking. I just can't handle any more days like this!

Sincerely,

C

Holy baby explosion, Batman!

So, we went shopping today. To Babies R Us. And, well, there was a coupon. And some gift cards. And maybe we got a little carried away. Two hours later, our car was full to the brim with baby gear and we were significantly poorer. The nursery is shaping up nicely, though!

Pictures to come--we still have a bit of cleaning and assembling to do!

In other news, J graduated from internship today (WOO HOO!) and was named Internal Medicine Intern of the Year! He found out about it yesterday morning but let me be surprised when the award was actually announced. I was so surprised that I forgot to take a picture of him accepting the award, though. I'm pretty proud of him--he's worked so hard this year, and it's wonderful to see him get recognized for it.

Back from the land of fry sauce and green Jell-o

I just got home from my last-vacation-before-baby trip to Salt Lake, and I had a great time with my family and old friends. It was the first time I'd been back since getting pregnant, and my mom and sister threw me a wonderful baby shower. Most of the guests were family friends who've known me since I was little, and one had even been a guest at the shower my mom's old job threw when she was pregnant with me. My parents certainly know how to maintain friendships!

It was strange to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. I avoided them like the plague while we were still trying to conceive, and as much fun as it was to play games and open box after box of adorable baby clothes and blankets, part of me felt very uncomfortable. Even at 32 weeks, I still can't quite believe that I'm going to be a mom soon and that infertility is (at least for the time being) behind me.

In any case, I'm home again now and starting to tackle all of my summer projects. Why do vacations make everything feel so discombobulated? I spent way too much time just playing catch-up this morning and I still feel like I'm out of the loop on everything. The house needs to be cleaned, laundry has to be done, and all the tasks (little and big) I deliberately put off until after I got back seem totally overwhelming at the moment. I hope other people feel this way right after they get home from a trip--it seems crazy to be disoriented like this after just a few days away.

On a related note, one of our swamp coolers broke last night. A belt (or something) snapped, which means that it's completely broken at the moment. Given that it's around 100 degrees outside right now, the remaining swamp cooler really isn't cooling the house very well. Guess my smug comment that I was going to spend the rest of the summer parked underneath one of the a/c vents came back to bite me. Send us lots of easy-to-fix vibes tonight, since J is going to try to get the swamp cooler back up and running once he gets home from work tonight.

Reality Bites

There are many things I find increasingly frustrating as I cross the line between teacher and student. When I'm at work I'm in charge, and after a year in the classroom I've gained incredibly valuable (in my opinion) real-world knowledge about what it means to be a teacher. While I'm at the university, though, my opinion doesn't count for much, especially in the eyes of professors who have either been out of the primary or secondary classroom for years or (worse) were never classroom teachers themselves. Time and again I've had professors tell me to do things that I know are totally unrealistic in an actual classroom. Just today I saw a professor publicly slam a high school principal for a disciplinary measure that, from my perspective, was completely appropriate given the situation. The professor's suggestion for how the matter should have been handled was completely unrealistic. He would have been laughed out of his own classroom had he attempted this "solution" with my high school students.

It's hard (if not impossible) to hold my tongue in these situations, but frequently I've decided that it's best for my grade if I just nod and smile. Let the professors, who by definition deal in theory rather than practice, live in their bubbles while those of us "in the trenches" continue to work with real kids who need real solutions when a problem arises.

My mentor teacher and I frequently commisserated about this issue last year when we were both taking classes. It just doesn't seem right that the people who are, at least in theory, educating educators are frequently so out of touch with the realities of what it's like to work with children.

Since you asked...

M requested an updated belly picture, so here's one that I took last week. Hard to believe that I'll be getting even bigger over the next 10 weeks!

Aaaaaaaad DONE!

Well, this is it. I've cleaned out my room, said my goodbyes, and driven the Border Highway for the last time. The next time I walk into that school for a normal workday will be in November. NOVEMBER!

To celebrate, I plan to spend the weekend painting the nursery and snuggling with Jasper. I really know how to party, don't I?

Empty

Tomorrow is the last day of school. My entire day today has been filled with emptying my classroom of personal stuff and supplies and with signing my students out. Almost all of them are graduating seniors, so it's been a very bittersweet process. To tell the truth, I've had to fight back tears more than once, and I'm sure that I'll be an enormous wreck at Saturday's graduation ceremony.

Now that just about everything is packed away and most of the kids have left I'm taking some time to look around the room and marvel at how familiar it feels. I can clearly remember walking in here for the first time back in October and being scared out of my mind. I remember bringing those first few boxes of books and posters into the building, remember writing my first lesson out on the board the Saturday before I formally took over the class, and remember hoping like hell that I'd survive that first week. I guess I did, because it's suddenly May and I'm saying goodbye to everyone.

Times like this I know that I've made the right decision to come back here next year.

I get sentimental about the oddest things

Is it wrong to be sad when a TV show ends? I hope not, because I have a habit of getting very maudlin when my favorite shows get cancelled.

Tonight was the series finale of a long-time favorite, "Gilmore Girls". I started watching it during my Sophomore year in college, and before too long it became one of my favorites. My roommates and I would make sure not to schedule Tuesday night classes just so we could all be home to watch new episodes. I made J watch it with me when we started dating, and I love to tell people that I knew he was "the one" when I called him one Tuesday night after he'd moved to DC and heard the strummy la la music on in the background. Even the manliest man had to admit that GG was a pretty decent hour of television.

And now it's over. I'm sad. It's like saying goodbye to an old friend (or a lot of old friends) and a very specific phase of my life at the same time.

Random Thoughts

Since I can't seem to write a coherent post on a single subject today, here are some random and unrelated thoughts that have been running through my head lately:

--I love planning. Love organizing. Love preparing to do projects. Finishing them is another story, but I rock at planning.

--J and I went to PetSmart last week to buy Jasper a new Kong and almost came home with a new kitten. We're crazy cat people in training.

--J has been growing a mustache for a hospital facial-hair-growing contest for the last month, and has FINALLY agreed to shave it off when the contest is over. This is a very good thing.

--There are currently four shopping bags full of newly-purchased stuff on my kitchen table. Some have been sitting there for two weeks. Maybe I should do something about that.

--I'm wearing mascara for the first time today. I think I like it.

--In spite of my resolution to not buy a ton of maternity clothes, my collection is slowly growing. I dearly hope that some of my friends who are TTC right now will want these things when I'm done with them!

--I can't believe that school is out in just two weeks. Where did this year go?

--I signed my contract for next year. My principal agreed to a modified version of the plan the assistant principal and I cooked up, so I'll be coming back to work around Thanksgiving instead of in early October. I'm really happy with the way this has turned out.

Rest in Peace

My parents took Checkers to the vet this morning. My girl is gone. Goodbye sweetheart, I'll always miss you.

Teenagers can be real people when they want to be

My students saved me from having a total breakdown today.

Last night my mom called to let me know that our family cat, the cat I adopted when I was 10 years old, was sick. Really sick. We found out today that she's probably in kidney failure, has diabetes, or has hyperthyroidism. Regardless, she's severely dehydrated, her kidneys are shutting down, and she only weighs 5 lbs. The vet expects to have test results (and a diagnosis) tomorrow, but until then my mom is giving her lots of love and feeding her a prescription wet food.

Anyway, after getting this news, I was a bit of a wreck. Today was one of my busy days at school, so I was kept preoccupied until my conference at the end of the day. I fully expected to just sit in my classroom, bawling, for the entire 90 minute period, but instead I got a wonderful treat. Five of my students (four of whom are failing and needed to do some makeup work) came to my room to work and chat. We sat around, debated some of the symbols in 1984, and really enjoyed each others' company.

I don't know how (or if) they knew that I needed to be with people right then, but their presence was exactly what I needed. Sometimes teenagers can be real assholes, but sometimes (an increasing number of times) they can also be incredibly thoughtful and compassionate. It was nice to be reminded of that today.

No updates on the staying vs. leaving issue today. I could hear something definitive tomorrow, but in reality I think it will probably be closer to Friday before anything is decided.

Something even better than job news

Please go over to Julie's to read about legislation currently being revised in the House of Representatives that could provide infertility coverage as part of standard health insurance. I'm writing a letter to my Representative this weekend. If you're not sure who yours is, go to this site and enter your ZIP code.

Oh, and on the job front--the wait for an actual answer has officially been extended to next week. I signed the contract since the district won't be willing to work with me at all if I don't have one, but it's still very possible that I won't be going back next year. As if you hadn't already guessed, my feelings on the matter are decidedly mixed.

Please send non-alcoholic alcohol

Did you know that I'm going grey? I am. I got my first grey hairs when I was 21. It was during the summer I interned in DC while I was still in college, and I probably should have taken that first grey strand as an omen. DO NOT MOVE TO THIS TOWN BECAUSE YOU WILL LOOK LIKE AN OLD LADY BEFORE YOU ARE 30.

Being me, I didn't listen to the grey prophet and thus spent three years living in the DC area accumulating many more of his little friends. My hair now looks "sparkly" when viewed from above, and my stylist keeps tempting me with pretty highlights that I cannot afford to maintain once I commit to them.

Well, I may just need to book an emergency appointment with her ASAP because I will be shocked if my hair doesn't go completely white by the end of the day.

In short, there has been no movement on the decision over whether or not I can come back next year. Numerous balls have been dropped by numerous people, and I really have to include myself in that list because one lesson I should have learned by now is to never EVER trust anyone else to do what they say they'll do when the issue at hand is vitally important to my future health and happiness. I'm hopeful that something will be decided by the end of the day today, especially since my contract needs to be signed by midnight tonight, but after the way this week has gone I'm not exactly holding my breath.

Until then, I could really use a drink.

Off the hook?

Job situation update:

Number of hours spent wringing hands over job decision since last post: 144

Number of friends dreading my e-mails/phone calls because I won't shut up about the job decision: ALL

Number of meetings had with my Assistant Principal to figure out a compromise that makes everyone happy: 3

Number of very good, very workable solutions offered to me by Assistant Principal: 1

Number of people who still have to sign off on the very good, very workable solution: 1 (Principal)

Finally finding tentative peace of mind over going back to work vs. staying at home: Priceless


I promise to be less vague about the details of this job solution when (if!) it's approved by my Principal. Currently, I just don't want to jinx it. Suffice it to say, the fact that my school has, so far, bent over backwards to keep me on staff next year makes me feel like I'm making the right decision to fight like hell to stay here while still being able to spend most of Luke's first year of life at home with him.

Decisions, decisions...

Apologies (once again) for the lack of blog posts lately. There have been a lot of things on my mind, but I felt that I needed to work some of them out on my own before writing about them. First and foremost, J and I sat down last week when I got my contract for the 2007-2008 school year and went over our budget. Surprise, surprise, we can afford for me to stay home next year.

This is what I always thought I wanted. Back when we first started trying to have a baby, one of the things we agreed on was that I'd quit my job to be a stay at home mom for at least a year or two. Back then, of course, I felt like my soul was being sucked from my eyeballs every day when I walked into the office, so the idea of quitting to be a full-time parent was very appealing. Fast forward two years, and everything is different. I love my job. I love my students, love my coworkers, and love how happy I am to go to work every day. Do I get frustrated and annoyed sometimes? Of course. Do I love my job? Yes. More than I ever thought I could. Do I still want to stay at home next year? I don't know.

Some days I feel like staying home is the only reasonable course of action. I don't want to miss minute of Button's first year of life, and it's not as if taking a year off will prevent me from going back into teaching once we're all ready for me to work again. Then I start thinking about my school and everything gets very, very complicated. I don't want to leave my school. I don't want to leave the wonderful kids I teach, don't want to leave the great friends I've made there (two of whom are also pregnant and due in the next few months), and I don't want to feel like I've spent so much time and energy getting certified just to leave a great position. Since I've only worked for the district for a year, they don't (and won't) hold my position until I want to come back. It's always possible that another English spot would open up in 2008-2009, but chances aren't great that it'll happen.

Complicating factor number two is that J works a lot. A whole lot. Life as a resident won't be much different for him (or us) than life as an intern has been. He'll still pull 80-100 hour weeks. It's going to suck whether I stay home or go back to work, and I'm not sure which decision will ultimately be best for our family and for our marriage. I worry about feeling lonely or isolated staying at home, especially since we won't have a lot of money for activities like Gymboree or music groups. Plus, all of my friends work and live on the opposite side of town. Sure, it's only a 20-25 minute drive, but I know myself too well to think that I won't feel at least a little abandoned, particularly on days when the baby just won't stop fussing.

So, I don't know. I have to make my decision soon since my contract needs to be signed by next Friday if I'm going to accept it. Signing and then quitting isn't really a viable option--the district WILL blackball me if I break a contract, and with so few districts in this area, I can't afford to lock myself out of employment with any one of them.

Reflections

I've spent a lot of time this week complaining. I'm not sleeping well, I have a major paper due next week that I'm struggling with, and I've spent the whole week administering state-assessment exams to freshmen and sophomores. I miss my students!

And yet. Life seems to have a way of reminding us that most of the things that we complain about really doesn't matter. Yes, these things are annoying and bothersome, but they're not true problems. They're certainly nothing like the problems I was having last year.

Two years ago this week Juan and I decided to start our family. One year ago this week I was standing on the brink of serious infertility testing and treatment. This week? My biggest problem is that I'm going to have to spend the weekend holed up with my laptop doing research. Sort of puts things in perspective. Of course, even my infertility struggles are insignificant compared to the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech.

Perspective is an interesting thing. I'm thankful to be able to have it.

Making arrangements

Touring daycares is a somewhat surreal experience. At the moment we're planning to share a nanny with some neighbors, but if that falls through I wanted to have a backup option in place. So, early last week I did some investigating and found the names of some highly recommended centers in our area. They passed my first test (they didn't need me to make an appointment before coming in for a tour) and I was really impressed with the center directors and staff.

Still, it was surreal. At certain points in the tour I found myself wondering if this was actually happening to me or not. I saw parents come in to pick up their kids at the end of the day and it didn't seem possible that that could be me in just a few months. When looking at the status report pages they make for every kid at the end of the day, I started to feel like a phony. What was I doing looking at these things? What was I doing at a daycare? The director was treating me like a parent--what kind of a crazy place was this?

It literally took getting a glimpse of my (rather obviously) pregnant reflection in a window to jerk me back into reality.

So, we're on the waiting list for the center and will be continuing to meet with the prospective nanny and our neighbors over the next few weeks. Due to some family issues our meeting for this weekend fell through, but we've got a date set up for the end of the month.

Next up: disassembling our guest room/library so we can start getting the nursery together.

Pregmentia strikes!

It's been well established that I can be a colossal ditz at times. I'm beginning to wonder if I should even be allowed outside the house, though, because of the stupid stuff I consistantly can't remember. Insignificant things like:

-The names of my students
-The names of books we've read in class (the kids totally nailed me on this one today--I was so embarassed!)
-Setting my alarm

Oh, and the teeny, tiny little matter of MY OWN NAME!

Last night at class I was getting ready to leave when one of my friends pulled me aside to ask if everything was okay at home. I was a little surprised that she was asking because I didn't remember mentioning anything about my home life to her recently, so I told her that no, everything was fine, and asked why she thought things might not be okay. Her answer? I had signed my maiden name on the class roster that night.

Whoops.

This wouldn't be so embarassing if I hadn't done exactly the same thing last week. Now, I did use my maiden name professionally while we lived in the DC area, so it's not like I've been using my married name for very long, but still! At least it makes for a somewhat amusing story (Juan got a kick out of it when I told him) so I guess pregmentia is at least good for a laugh. I just hope what little memory power I used to have comes back when this baby is born!

Breaking News

Lisa Eaves, who runs the mind/body fertility workshop in Washington, DC that I took this time last year, is featured in the latest issue of U.S. News and World Report. If you live in the DC area and are struggling with infertility, I cannot recommend her classes enough. Bravo, Lisa for getting this wonderful exposure!

There it is!

My motivation! I've finally found it!

I don't know if it's the upcoming 4-day weekend (and really, don't you have to love a world in which a week-long Spring Break is almost immediately followed by another long weekend?) or the fact that there are only 8 weeks left until the end of the school year, but all of a sudden I feel like I did back in October when I first started teaching. I enjoy planning my lessons, try my hardest to find hooks to get the kids interested in each and every piece of literature that we're reading, and just generally feel like I'm having fun at work. I love feeling this way, and I love that it's happening again at the end of the year just as I've started questioning whether or not coming back next year is really worth it. I know that I'll need to hang on to the memory of feelings like this when I start again next year with a newborn at home.

Of course, it would be nice if this motivation carried over to my feelings about, say, doing housework on the weekend, but for now I'm content with having it at school.