Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Unexplained

My appointment with New OB/GYN Version 2.0 is tomorrow afternoon. We'll find out the results of the endometrial biopsy and, I guess, talk about next steps. If the biopsy comes back normal I want to be tested for some blood clotting disorders. If it doesn't... This may sound crazy to those who haven't experienced unexplained infertility, but I hope the biopsy isn't normal. I hope there is a big, screaming red flag in those test results that will tell us what the problem is.

Fear of the unknown is largely what's kept me away from treatments thus far. Because we don't know what's wrong, I'm afraid to do an IUI because I'm convinced that it won't work. Why would it, when I have serious doubts that any embryo could possibly implant with my crappy lining? Why would I waste all that money on a treatment that, even if it manages to get me a fertiilized egg, won't do a thing for the one symptom I have that's telling me that something is wrong?

We're nearing the end of the road as far as diagnostic tests are concerned. It took some fancy medical talking by J to get Dr. F to do the biopsy. She didn't think it would tell us anything new, but was willing to do it because of the *chance* of endometrial hyperplasia. The blood clotting tests will be (would be, if we can once again sweet talk the doctor) looking for very rare disorders. Granted, infertility isn't exactly a run-of-the-mill condition, but it affects more women than the blood clotting problems I want to test for do.

I'm scared tonight. Scared that at the end of the day, all the tests in the world won't tell us what's wrong. Scared that our choices after tomorrow will be either taking Clomid (unmonitored) under the "supervision" of New OB/GYN Version 2.0, or moving on to the one RE in town for IUI. Not knowing what's wrong has left me feeling helpless and out of control. It may be time to accept that my unexplained infertility may always remain unexplained, and just try to accept that and move forward.

1 comment:

Sandra said...

Good luck this afternoon. I'm thinking of you.