Open letters

Dear Newly Divorced Man Across the Street,

I noticed this morning that you invested in some new artwork for your truck. "I swapped my wife for a gun--it was a great deal" is both a rather bold statement to make and a great way to let your neighbors know that not only are you bitter towards your ex, but now you're also armed! Thanks for the heads-up.

Sincerely,
C (who really hopes you didn't go out and buy a gun)


Dear Colorblind Couple at the End of the Block,

Did you know that your house was a lovely shade of buttercream up until last fall? It was. I often thought that yours was one of the prettiest homes on the street, and that was saying a lot. We have some beautiful homes here. Now, I don't know you personally, but I've been assuming that you both suffer from some form of colorblindness after the fateful day last November when I came home from work to discover that you had repainted your house pea green. Not a pretty pea green (if such a color exists) either, truly the ugliest shade of 70s throwback pea green I've ever seen. I dearly hope you're not planning to try to sell your home...ever because no matter how it looks on the inside I just can't imagine potential buyers doing anything other than screaming and running away once they catch a glimpse of the exterior.

Sincerely,
C (who really, really hopes you're planning to re-paint soon)


Dear Frozen in Time Neighbors,

I'm not sure if you got the memo, but Christmas was almost 6 months ago. I know, feels like yesterday, doesn't it? The thing is, the unwritten rule about holiday decorations is that they're supposed to be taken down no later than the end of January. Seeing as how one usually doesn't display 3/4 scale nativity scenes on a year-round basis, I'm going to assume that you forgot about it (and are shut-ins since it's really difficult to miss it in your front yard) or have no idea that it's actually almost July now. Either way, I'll take the damn thing down myself if you're not going to because it's driving me crazy.

Sincerely,
C (who has limited tolerance for yard sculpture even when it's seasonally appropriate)