Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The only thing keeping me from crying today makes me want to cry

I'm having a rough week. My students have been acting out for substitutes lately and (of course) I have a mandatory training off-campus all day tomorrow so there's going to be yet another sub coming in. Combine that with a grant application deadline that's looming, a lingering cold, and some very wakeful nights with Luke and I'm just miserable. It's a miracle I haven't fallen asleep or burst into tears in class, that's how tired and miserable I feel right now. All that's keeping me going right now is the knowledge that Juan doesn't have to work this weekend so he can take over parenting duties while I take some much needed naps, and that makes me feel even worse.

After all we went through to have Luke I feel guilty for whining about how tired or stressed I am even though I know these thoughts don't mean I'm not incredibly thankful to have him. I've seen some discussion about this guilt on parenting-after-infertility message boards, so I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's a "how dare I wish for a baby-free day when there are still so many couples out there who would kill for what I have" feeling that doesn't go away even though I know, intellectually, that being happy all the time just isn't realistic. I'm a new mom who hasn't had a decent night's sleep in over 6 months and has a full time job outside the home--it's not unreasonable for me to want a break from my life once in awhile. Try telling that to the little nagging voice in the back of my head, though.


ewe are here said...

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, no matter how much you went through to have your lovely little Luke. You're sleep deprived with an overflowing plate... any one in your position would feel the same.

I hope you find some time for yourself so you can get some sleep.

Bea said...

I think the biggest thing to worry about is not that you're feeling in need of a break, but who you're whining to about it. Everyone knows - somewhere in there - it's not all peaches and cream. They just don't want you to race over to their blog as they're miscarrying or receiving a BFN to tell them "how lucky" they are not to be in your position. I haven't been stalking your online or offline activities, but I think I can safely assume you're not doing that. Wanting a brief break isn't ungrateful.

You can get too much of anything. Hope you feel better soon.


M said...

No matter how you got here, you are still a mommy and good mommies need and take breaks so that they can keep being good mommies and wives. Plus, daddies need 1:1 on time without us looking over their shoulders.

Hope you get the rest you need!

Anonymous said...

Your feelings are completely normal. SHOULD feel guilty about wanting a child so badly and then working full time while said child is an infant. Babies/toddlers need their mothers at home with them. Period. It's bad enough when anyone does that, but particularly offensive when it is someone who struggled with infertility.