Perspective on the precipice

I'm 13 days past ovulation. Tomorrow I should know one way or the other if I'm pregnant. If not, I'll move to Cycle 20. Today I'm standing on the edge of 20 months since we started trying to conceive. Twenty months of negative pregnancy tests, anger, and disappointment. Twenty months of hope, and 20 months of anger.

Thinking about this, I know I have to hold on to three things. First, we (finally) have a diagnosis. Second, I have a wonderful husband, wonderful pets, and an all-around wonderful life aside from infertility. Third, I, not infertility, control my life and my attitude. I have to look for the silver lining because otherwise what's the point? I've said it before and I'll say it again--this entire exercise, all the things I've gone through thanks to the basic desire to build a family with J, is pointless if I destroy all the good things I have in the quest for a child. There's no getting around that.

I've never stopped believing that someday I will be a mother. Someday this will all be behind me. When that day arrives, I want to have a life to go back to. I want to be proud of the things I've accomplished, proud of the way I handled myself during this time, and proud of the person I am. Today, as I'm staring 20 months in the face, I have to put things in perspective.