Still in limbo

Too summarize:

-Still no word from our potential buyer.

-An offer has been made on the house we have a contract on in Texas, but the sellers haven't made a decision yet. Ironically, the people making the second offer want to close in just two weeks, which is too soon for the sellers, but they're worried that we'll have to close too late. HA!

-There's a teeny, tiny chance I might keep my job (at least part of it) after we move, but I won't know anything for awhile.

-I'm in the 2 week wait.

-And J is coming down with a cold.

So, long story short, nerves around here are a wee bit frayed at the moment. Something has to break soon--this limbo literally can't last forever--but I'm worried that it won't be something I'll like.

**And yes, I realize that my blog lately has turned into a neverending cycle of "I'm still not pregnant" and "We still haven't sold our condo" posts, but it's all I'm thinking about right now.

Distractions

I'll say one thing for being in real estate limbo--it's sure keeping my mind off not being pregnant!

Home (again)

The sellers accepted our offer!!! I can't believe it! J and I had pretty much talked ourselves into believing that they'd pass--we know they want to sell ASAP and our offer is contingent on the sale of our condo, but they ACCEPTED IT! Of course, they can still try to sell it to someone else, which I fully expect them to do, but if we can sell our place in the next two weeks, it's ours!

Part of me worries that I'm getting my hopes up too high--after all, we haven't had any offers in the last three months, chances aren't great that we'll get one in the next 14 days even with a dramatically reduced price--but it's hard not to get excited about possibly buying your dream house! We're meeting with our realtor here in Maryland tonight to do the paperwork on our price reduction and to talk about doing everything we can possibly do to get it sold.

In any case, crossed fingers and (dare I say it?) prayers would be much appreciated.

Home again

Success!!! Not only did we find an apartment in Texas, but we placed an offer on a house! It's perfect for us--three bedrooms, lots of living area, HUGE kitchen, and (best of all) a master bathroom that our realtor and I took to calling "the den of iniquity". Two words: whirlpool tub. Plus, the sellers are throwing in their pool table which pretty much sealed the deal for J.

The catch (and of course there's a catch) is that we had to place a contingency offer, and the sellers are apparently very anxious to get the house sold. We haven't heard back from them yet, but my fingers are crossed. We wouldn't be crushed if we didn't get the house, but it would be really disappointing.

In any case, we're sitting on pins and needles here and planning to get even more aggressive about selling our condo. We have a meeting with our realtor tomorrow night to talk about how we can get a buyer this week. Wish us luck!

Long Weekend

J and I leave tomorrow for 4 days of house hunting in Texas. I'm looking forward to the trip (and time away from the office) but a little sad about it too. Since we still haven't sold our condo, we also need to look at, and probably sign a lease for, a transitional apartment. We just can't afford two mortgages, and the market in DC is so iffy right now that we can't count on getting a contract in the next 30 days. In spite of this, we're still going to do some house-hunting, and if we find the right place we can always put a contingency contract on it.

It'll also be nice to get away from Washington for a few days, and focus on something other than the infertility testing. I'm having serious thoughts about not doing any more tests until after our move, and I think I need some distance from the situation before I make a decision one way or the other.

Creature Comforts

In 24 days I won't work here anymore.

I actually liked this job a lot when I started. The work was interesting, I was challenged, and it was a great opportunity for someone who was fresh out of college. The problem was that I wasn't really interested in doing political/nonprofit work, and eventually it stopped being fun. I first started threatening to quit about a year ago, and when friends and family suggested that I make good on my threats and find a new job, I backpedaled.

"We're leaving in just a year!" I said.

"I don't want to leave the company in a lurch!" I said.

What I really meant was that I was afraid to change jobs. Even though I wasn't really happy, I was comfortable and in my world being comfortable is very important.

So I stayed and kept complaining. I know everyone got really sick of me saying how much I hated my job, and looking back on it, I really should have left a year ago. Even though there have been good times in the last 12 months, I think I would have left here with a better attitude if I'd handed in my resignation back in early 2005.

Since my boss has started looking for a replacement for me though, I've realized just how proud I am of the work I've done here. Reviewing the job description my boss is currently sending out in the hopes of finding my replacement, I'm a little intimidated. I do all that? Really? Damn!

And honestly, even though I'm counting down the days until I get to say goodbye to this place for good, I'm starting to get sentimental about it. Who will help my coworker with computer problems after I'm gone? Will the fax machine around the corner ever get fixed? Who's going to finally figure out how to program the time on our microwave? And, more to the point, who will my friends go to lunch with when I'm gone? What jokes will they share that I won't be a part of? What crazy things will I miss when I'm not in D.C. anymore?

Because really, I won't miss this job. I'll miss the people, the camraderie, and the random every-day stuff that makes me smile. I'll miss feeling this comfortable in a place and with a group of people. I'm sure I'll feel this way again about a different place and a different group of people, but it'll take some time. Until then, I'm going to keep counting down the days until I leave, but also try to keep in mind that I'm counting down to saying goodbye to a lot of things that at the end of the day make me very happy.

Just Fine

I had my HSG today. They only do the test once a week, so every woman currently being evaluated for infertility in the clinic was right there with me in the clinic. We joked around a bit with some of the other couples there, and after marching us all over the hospital (it didn't seem like the new resident they had take us to Radiology really knew where it was) and a loooong wait they tood us back one by one to get the test.

It hurt. A lot. I won't get into the gory details, but when someone tries to dialate your cervix, it's nice to have them TELL YOU that's what they're doing.

Ow.

Anyway, the pain went away pretty quickly and then all there was to do was enjoy the show. I saw my uterus and fallopian tubes (perfectly fine and open, thank you very much!) and thoroughly enjoyed it when the radiologist yelled at the RE who was hurting me. WOO HOO for the Radiology department and BOOOOOO to the REs!

I'm at home resting now, and taking full advantage of my "invalid" status. Tomorrow I get to schedule my follow-up appointment, and I'm not quite sure where we'll go from there. We didn't see any abnormalaties today, which was the best possible outcome of the test, but we still don't have an expanation for why we're not pregnant yet or why I'm having some of these strange symptoms. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what they think I need to do.

Me and Matthew McConaughey

One year ago tomorrow J and I went to the movies. We bought tickets to "Sahara" at a local theater and then walked to a nearby drug store to buy some treats. In between the theater and the Junior Mints we made the final decision to start trying to have a baby.

I remember feeling so excited at the time. Like this was the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of our lives. J was starting his last year of medical school and ideally we wanted to have our first child before he graduated. I remember being elated at the thought that by this time next year we'd almost certainly either have a little baby or be pregnant.

Months went by and no BFP. One month I was out of town for work, then he was gone for two more months on rotations in Texas and Georgia. We kept trying, and I kept having some unusual physical symptoms that indicated things weren't completely normal. I charted, used ovulation predictors, and finally a fertility monitor. Nothing worked. Nine months after we started trying I hit a wall. January was a real milestone month for me--it was the first month when we could have had our baby, and we weren't even pregnant yet. I called my primary care doctor's office in tears asking for an infertility workup in February, and we're just now starting some serious diagnostic testing.

As anyone who's been reading this blog (or knows me in real life) knows, my moods have been all over the place lately. One day I'm fine, the next day I tear up at the slightest baby-related thing. Since we started trying several close friends have become pregnant, as have J's brother and his wife. Those announcements haven't been easy for me. Reminding myself that this WILL happen for us helps, but not all the time. For the first time in my life I'm struggling with depression. I'm working on it all the time, but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I've never hidden my struggles from anyone (except the people I work with). My parents and J's family are fully aware of our problems, and they've been nothing but supportive. My younger sister has learned about infertility testing, I've had long conversations with my mom about my bloodwork, and I've shared my frustrations and sadness with a small group of very close friends, many of whom also have experience with infertility. I can't imagine going through this alone, and looking back on the last year I think the best thing I ever did was to tell the people I loved what was happening to me.

For the last few weeks I've been aware that the 1-year anniversary of our decision was coming up. I stumbled across the "Sahara" movie ticket stub in my wallet recently and all the memories of that day came flooding back. I've mentally written this post a hundred times since then, thinking about what I'd say and why. I seriously considered not writing anything at all, afraid that it would just hurt more. Should I just ignore tomorrow completely? Pretend that I don't know what it is? I don't think so. Repressing my feelings isn't going to make them go away, and I'd rather continue to be honest with myself and with the people I care about. Tomorrow is going to hurt like hell. But tomorrow will end, and I'll head over to the hospital on Monday morning to continue the process of trying to figure out what's going wrong with us. Tuesday I'll head back to work, and life will go on.

Tonight J and I decided to go on a date. I needed to get out of the house, and we both wanted to see "Failure to Launch" which was still playing at our favorite theater. As we were sitting in the movie the supreme irony of our choice hit me. It appears that Matthew McConaughey movies have bookended the last year of my life. I'm choosing to look on it as a good sign--that the hope I felt this time last year wasn't misplaced and that by next April we'll be welcoming a new baby into our lives.

Peace

And so begins cycle 12. We've now been trying to have a baby for an entire year.

I'm going to have more to say on this over the weekend, a post that's been percolating in my brain for awhile now, actually, but not today. Today I scheduled my HSG (Monday) and accupuncture (immediately before the HSG) to help me be as relaxed as possible.

While there's a part of me that's very upset that I have to have the test (which can be pretty painful), there's another, stronger part that's looking forward to it. Not only might we get some answers about what's wrong, but the HSG itself actually can improve fertility for up to three months after it's performed because, well, it sort of flushes everything out. Think of it as a power washing for your fallopian tubes.

I'm feeling oddly relaxed right now. Not counting the gigantic freakout I had this morning because we still don't have a contract on our condo and our house-hunting trip is in just a week, emotionally I'm doing better than expected. Part of that I attribute to the fact that I got off work early today and don't have to go back until Tuesday, and part of that is definitely due to the mind/body fertility class I'm taking. It's amazing how much I've already learned about how to calm myself down and de-stress in situations that would normally send me over the edge. Whatever else happens in the next month, I'm very, very glad I decided to take the class. I wouldn't be feeling this peaceful about everything I have going on right now without it.

BFN

Negative HPT this morning, and I'm pretty sure it's going to stay that way. So, I'll be going in for some blood tests (to rule out egg problems) on Saturday and my HSG will be Monday.

I'm surprised by how okay with this I am. I think I stopped really hoping on Monday, so the negative test result this morning just confirmed what I already believed.

Sludge

I've written a couple posts now and just deleted them because they sounded either

A: bratty or
B: batshit crazy

I've also spent almost all day staring at my computer, barely able to type a coherent sentence (case in point: this post) because my brain just doesn't want to work. It feels all I have between my ears is sludge. Slow sludge that can't type. Naturally today is a day where there's a lot going on at work that requires me to not be a drooling idiot, so I've had to suck it up and force the sludge to THINK. The sludge isn't very happy about this state of affairs.

In any case, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who left supportive comments below. It really means a lot to me.

Limbo

So, I think I might be pregnant. Might, as in there's some evidence that I have slightly more than a snowball's chance in hell this month. Of course, I got all excited about it late last week, got my hopes up, and then had a bit of a setback (in the form of symptoms showing up that have always indicated before that I'm emphatically not pregnant) on Saturday morning. What I do know is that things are different this month, and my usual symptoms aren't acting like they normally do.

Of course, I'm probably not pregnant, but right now I just want to KNOW. Will I need to go in for bloodwork this weekend and an HSG on Monday or will I be calling my lovely PCP (not the rat-faced-bitch who saw me last week) to tell her the good news?

There's nothing to do now except wait it out. I figure that I'll know one way or another by Wednesday, and hopefully I won't completely lose it if I'm not pregnant. It probably doesn't help that the 1-year anniversary of when we started TTC is this Sunday. In any case, I could use some good thoughts from all of you this week.

You know what's nice?

Spending the day "working" (responding to e-mails and voicemail) in my PJs while watching TV from a super-comfortable hotel bed. Friday rocked. Well, except for the part when I didn't rent a car (stupid) and the only food within walking distance was Wendy's. And then when the hotel decided not to have room service on Friday nights and I had to order enough food to feed the entire state of Connecticut just so the one Chinese restaurant in the area would deliver.

But other than that, it was a nice day.

I flew home yesterday and I'm not exactly looking forward to dealing with all the things that are left over from last week. Then again, I only have 33 days left until I'm done with work and the graduation festivities begin!

Item X

Apparently I need to write cryptic posts more often! I had y'all chomping at the bit!

To recap, when we last left our heroine she was in California, preparing to go to an event, and kept getting paranoid and checking her purse to make sure the mysterious Item X was still in it.

YESTERDAY

1:47 PM: Finish mysterious entry, get ready for event
2:00 PM: Realize hair looks like ass, attempt to fix
2:10 PM: Decide that hair will just have to cope with looking like ass, start transferring hotel key, cash, and Item X from big, casual tote to small, professional handbag.
2:11 PM: Shit. Item X does not fit in small, professional handbag.
2:15 PM: Item X REALLY does not fit into small, professional handbag, and is now slightly crumpled after trying to make it fit.
2:17 PM: Why the hell don't they put pockets on the inside of womens' blazers? Aside from the obvious reason, because I could really use one right now.
2:20 PM: A-HA! There IS a pocket on the inside of the raincoat. Put Item X in raincoat pocket, leave hotel room
2:30 PM: Hotel staff moving very slowly to get shuttle van, and raincoat is really too hot to be wearing outside
2:31 PM: Get paranoid, pat self lightly on chest to make sure Item X is still in pocket
2:32 PM: Realize that it looks like I'm doing something rather inappropriate to myself when I check for Item X. Don't really care, since paranoia must be satisfied.
2:40 PM: Arrive at event location
2:41 PM: Get paranoid, pat self lightly on chest to make sure Item X is still in pocket
2:42 PM: Realize that people I have to work with are looking at me funny, take Item X out of pocket, ditch coat on chair
3:40 PM: Program finally gets started
3:45 PM: Shit. Do I have to speak?
3:50 PM: Yes, apparently I do
3:55 PM: I ROCK at public speaking! Forgot how satisfying it is to have an audience eating out of the palm of my hand.
3:56 PM: Official presentation of Item X to local elected official
3:57 PM: Local elected official shows audience what Item X is--it's a check for $15,000!
4:00 PM: Pose for many, many pictures with other important local people and the check
4:15 PM: Get interviewed by local cable station about the check
4:20 PM: Realize that the check is no longer my responsibility, paranoia ends
4:30 PM: I'm really tired
4:55 PM: Really, really tired
5:20 PM: I've been awake for...good grief, like 17 hours!
5:40 PM: Don't these people ever stop talking?
6:30 PM: Still tired, want to leave, but people keep talking to me.
7:00 PM: Thank goodness, colleague realizes that I'm about ready to pass out, drives me back to my hotel
7:20 PM: Get back to hotel room, kick off shoes
7:22 PM: Check e-mail
7:23 PM: Check Snark
7:24 PM: Check blog
7:25 PM: Holy crap! Clearly a lot of people want to know what Item X was!
7:26 PM: Order room service
8:00 PM: Finish room service, feel like a pig
8:05 PM: Crawl into bed. Have been awake total of 20 hours.
8:06 PM: Fall asleep

The check was a grant I was giving on behalf of our organization. I NEVER want to carry that much money around with me again! I spent two whole days completely paranoid about what would happen if the evelope slipped out of my purse, or if someone stole it.

The good news is that the event went well, I was a hit, and I even got a job offer if I should ever move back to DC. I'd never take it in a million years because I couldn't stand to work with the people who made the offer, but it's always nice to be wanted.

Next up: Spending the entire day in my pajamas while taking questions from MORE people who want $15,000 checks from us.

California Girl

LAST NIGHT

9:00 PM: I get out of class, start the 20 mile drive home with J
9:05 PM: Feel paranoid, check purse
9:06 PM: Item X is still in purse, breathe a sigh of relief
9:30 PM: We both realize we haven't eaten since noon, and we're starving
9:31 PM: We decide that all food at home sucks, and we need to get takeout
9:45 PM: All our favorite takeout places closed at 9:00. I pout.
10:00 PM: We roll up to Wendy's drive through
10:30 PM: After gorging myself on a burger, fries, and a Frosty, I realize that A: I haven't packed yet, and B: I have to get up at 3:00 in the morning to make my flight.
11:00 PM: Finish packing, try to keep Arcadia from seeing my suitcases so she doesn't flip out and pee on the couch again.
11:05 PM: Feel paranoid, check purse
11:06 PM: Item X is still in purse, breathe a sigh of relief.
11:30 PM: Finally get into bed, fall asleep

THIS MORNING

3:00 AM: Alarm goes off
3:01 AM: Hit snooze on alarm
3:09 AM: Alarm goes off
3:10 AM: Hit snooze on alarm again
3:19 AM: Alarm goes off, J starts groaning that it's too early to wake up, and I crawl out of bed
3:30 AM: J finishes getting ready, I'm still drying my hair.
3:31 AM: J curls up on the futon for a little nap before we leave
3:50 AM: I have to wake J up because he really did fall asleep. This doesn't bode well for the 2-hour round trip drive he's making to the airport.
3:51 AM: Feel paranoid, check purse
3:52 AM: Item X is still in purse, breathe sigh of relief
3:55 AM: J keeps Arcadia in the other room so she can't see me wheel my suitcase to the door. I do NOT want to come home to a pee couch.
4:00 AM: We hit the road.
4:30 AM: Gee, that Wendy's from last night really isn't sitting well. Swear off Wendy's for at least another year.
5:00 AM: Arrive at airport, kiss goodbye, and I remind J not to fall asleep at the wheel. He agrees, but his eyes are kind of glazed over.
5:05 AM: Feel paranoid, check purse
5:06 AM: Item X is still in purse, breathe sigh of relief
5:30 AM: Get through security, see that only place with food in the entire terminal is a Dunkin' Donuts with a 50-person deep line.
5:31 AM: Get in Dunkin' Donuts line with the rest of the tired, tired people who are on my flight
5:59 AM: Finally get my donuts and make it to the gate just in time to hear my row being called
6:05 AM: Shit, I'm in a middle seat.
6:15 AM: Double shit, the guy next to me wants to be chatty. I CANNOT MAKE SMALL TALK ON LESS THAN FOUR HOURS OF SLEEP, BUDDY.
6:20 AM: Takeoff
6:25 AM: Feel paranoid, check purse
6:36 AM: Item X is still in purse, breathe sigh of relief
6:45 AM: I stick my iPod earbuds in my ears in a desperate attempt to let the guy next to me know that I'm not in the mood for conversation with a stranger.
6:50 AM: Hmmm... Seems to be working
7:00 AM: Even though JetBlue is awesome and has DirectTV on all its flights, there's still nothing to watch
7:05 AM: Start reading new book
7:10 AM: Feel paranoid, check purse
7:11 AM: Item X is still in purse, breathe sigh of relief
9:15 AM: Finish new book. Two hours of entertainment for $17. Not worth it, IMHO.
6:20 AM: Realize that I should set my watch back three hours to account for the time zone change, and actually groan when I realize we're only halfway through the flight.
6:25 AM: Feel paranoid, check purse
6:26 AM: Item X is still in purse, breathe sigh of relief
8:45 AM: Guy next to me decides to be chatty again (even though I'm clearly listening to music) and then tries to sell me a used car. Turns out he works for a dealership and can get me a "killer deal" on a used Mitsubishi. Thanks, but no thanks.
9:00 AM: Land in Oakland. Thank God!
10:00 AM: Arrive at hotel
10:05 AM: Feel paranoid, check purse
10:06 AM: Item X is still in purse, breathe sigh of relief
11:30 AM: Starving, go in search of food and discover that there aren't any places within walking distance of my hotel except (wait for it) Wendy's. Curse luck.
11:45 AM: Hotel has shuttle! Go to Sports Bar and feel like an idiot for sitting alone with a book while other people are having parties and business lunches.
12:15 PM: Get back to hotel, start this entry
1:45 PM: Still working on this damn entry, and getting sleepy
1:46 PM: Feel paranoid, check purse
1:47 PM: Item X is still in purse, breathe sigh of relief.

That's been my day so far. This entry is To Be Continued tomorrow, when you can read all about my exciting night with local elected officials, what the hell "Item X" is, and why I've been so paranoid about it for the last 48 hours.

The good news is that they want to shoot dye up my tubes

My RE appointment this morning didn't exactly go well. We got there plenty early, and discovered that we had to go to the OB/GYN clinic. That's right, they put the infertile people in with all the happy pregnant women.

I kind of broke down at that point because really, that's just cruel. But there wasn't anything else to do except walk in, and try to sit facing a wall so I didn't see any of the other patients.

After about 45 minutes of waiting, I went over to the desk to ask them how late our doctor was running. While I was over there, she walked into the room and called out my name. When I said "Here" and motioned to J to get my coat, she asked me if I was going somewhere. I explained that I'd been asking how late the clinic was running this morning, and she LECTURED me about how doctors sometimes run late.

Right then I decided that I didn't like this woman.

We went back to her office, and she proceeded to spend the entire visit talking to J, hardly looking at me at all. When I brought up our move, she accused me of being "tense" and told me to put my charts away (which I had brought in case she wanted to see them, and were just folded on my lap) because I was stressing myself out and "stress can hurt fertility." She also told me that I need to exercise more, and should try yoga "or something" to help with stress. I couldn't get a word in edgewise to tell her that I'm actually taking a class right now to help with stress.

She never asked me how I was doing. Never asked what I do for a living, where I'm from, or anything personal. She did ask J what he's studying, whether he's looking forward to moving to Texas, and whether he wants to move to Hawaii someday. She also went on and on and ON about her kids, which shocked me. It seemed like she was missing the "caring and compassionate" gene or something.

In the end, she ordered some bloodwork and an HSG. She told me that with my spotting it's possible that there's a uterine defect or polyps, and that an HSG should show that.

After we left the clinic I was a mess. I couldn't believe the shitty way she'd treated me. I've never felt so thoroughly ignored and dismissed by a doctor who was treating me. When I told Juan that he mentioned that she actually wasn't a doctor. He saw her name badge and she's actually a Nurse Practitioner.

That's when I got really mad. When I called for the appointment they called her DOCTOR, and she didn't correct me when I called her Doctor in the appointment. I still can't believe it. My "RE" appointment wasn't with an RE.

J has his follow-up urology appointment tomorrow morning, and he's going to stop by the clinic and ask to speak to the director about her behavior. Not only was she incredibly rude to me, but she misrepresented what she was. That's wrong on so many levels. Needless to say, I will not, under any circumstances, be seeing her again. After the HSG J will try to pull some strings to get me seen by an actual RE.

Couple of things

1) I got sick of my old template, so here's the new look of my blog. Yay!

2) My RE appointment is tomorrow morning. After looking forward to it for almost a month, I'm suddenly really, really nervous.

I am such a PITA

Last night I was brushing my teeth, thinking about what I had to do at work the next day, when suddenly I felt a surge of PANIC! I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that our condo hasn't sold yet, our agent is going on vacation for two weeks, and only three people have come through since we dropped the price last week.

PANIC!

Instead of trying to calm myself down, though, I stormed into the study, started ranting at J (who had no idea what was going on) and then stormed back into the living room to call our agent (at 11:00 at night) to brainstorm ways to get more people viewing our place. Thankfully for her, she wasn't near the phone when I called.

Our agent called both me and J this morning, and really reassured me that we're doing a lot to get people in the door. We've just added an agent's incentive (cash the buyer's agent gets at closing) which should increase our foot traffic. We've also sent out flyers and e-mails to every agent who's shown the place since January, and we still have the guy who almost placed an offer back in January hanging out there. He doesn't know what he wants to do yet, but our agent is still talking to his.

I have no idea why I suddenly went into crisis mode last night. We'd like to get a contract before our house-hunting trip to Texas later this month, but it's not necessary. IF we find a house we want to buy, we can always place an offer that's contingent on our selling the condo. We're the lowest-priced unit in our neighborhood, and while the DC-metro market is slow right now, I know that we'll find a buyer. The market in our new town isn't very hot at the moment, so it's unlikely that we'd have a house bought out from under us, and even if we did it wouldn't be the end of the world.

In any case, I'm feeling better about things this morning, and hopefully I don't have any more freakouts like that for awhile.

Cherry Blossom Day

Peak cherry blossoms at the Tidal Basin this weekend.



Juan attended the festival under protest.



My attempt at "artistic" photography while being hustled along by the thousands of tourists behind us on the sidewalk.


All in all, a perfect day.