Wednesday, July 05, 2006


It's another crappy evening. I'm tired, I'm hurting, and it doesn't seem like any of my support mechanisms are working at the moment. Part of that is my fault--sometimes I forget that other people can't read my thoughts and know when I need them to reach out to me. Part of it is this move because it's thrown so many things in my life into disarray that I have much more time to sit and think about my situation. Part of it is that I'm just mad and sad and hurting.

How do you tell someone that you need more support? That what they see as "being supportive" I see as "not putting in any effort at all and expecting me to tell them exactly what to do all the time"? I have no idea. I WANT support, I NEED it right now, and lately it's like all I'm getting is assvice and half-hearted attempts at empathy. Don't get me wrong--my friends and family have been great through most of this process, but it's fairly clear that a lot of them are just sick of hearing about it. Sick of me breaking down over seemingly random things. Sick of blog entries like this.

I think that what it really boils down to is that they're sick of me.

And I don't know how to fix that. Therapy? Paying someone to listen to me bitch and whine? My past experience trying to explain all of this to a therapist resulted in some of the assiest assvice I've ever received. I'm not interested in experiencing that again, and quite frankly I don't think that I'm clinically depressed. I'm situationally depressed, but I don't need therapy for that. I need the people in my life who love me to do a better job of loving me. To try to understand what I'm feeling. Because I would do it for them. Because I HAVE done it for them, and now it's my turn.

I don't even know if I'm going to post this.

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