Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Random Thoughts on My Screwed-Up Body

Tonight's another rough night. I think I'm finally coming out of my moving-induced good mood and realizing that hey, I'm still not pregnant. I'm also having a hard time even booking an appointment with the doctor I need to see BEFORE I can get a gynecology consult, and my spotting is getting worse. A lot worse. It's actually been this way since I had my HSG, but I'd convinced myself for the last two cycles that it was stress-induced and that I'd go back to being "normal" after the move was over. Well, it's over and my cycle is still really screwed up.

I'm starting to have fantasies about giving up. About just saying "fuck it" and getting in touch with adoption agencies. I almost don't care about getting pregnant anymore, I just want to stop hurting so much. I just want to be able to go to a freaking baseball game with my husband and his colleagues and not get teary-eyed in the middle of the fourth inning because a couple with a baby sits down next to us.

I'm not really serious about giving up yet, but I'm getting close. J feels very strongly that it's important to figure out what's causing the spotting, just in case it's a more serious problem than infertility alone. I think he's right. I also think that I'm not the type of person who can go through this year after year. I knew a woman in DC who had been trying for three years. I couldn't do that. I couldn't take that many failed cycles or that much heartbreak.

So I'll keep plugging along. I'll keep pestering the hospital until I get my appointment. I'll probably nag Juan a few more times about getting a dog, just so I can have something small and needy to focus on during this process. And I'll probably post a lot more entries like this--generally frustrated and sad, but not being able to take any action towards fixing the problem just yet.

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