A Ton of Bricks

Tonight J and I went to a party for all the people in his new department. His boss was there along with all of the other residents and new interns. I'd been looking forward to going, mostly to meet some of the other wives and possibly start making some new friends. One thing I really hadn't thought about, though, was that there would be young children and babies there.

You may have noticed that I haven't written about my infertility in awhile. That's partly because after we cancelled our IUI last month I stopped seeing my RE and frankly there just hasn't been much to say. The bigger reason why I haven't written about it, though, is that emotionally I've been doing really well. The stress of moving and quitting my job and getting settled in a new place has totally and completely pushed infertility to the back burner, and I've really been enjoying my good moods and ability to be in the same room with a baby without feeling sad. Tonight seems to have brought it back front and center, and it's got me pretty down.

Why is infertility like this? Earlier today I was sitting in a room full of babies and pregnant women at the DMV and I was FINE. I mean, I was a little wistful, but I wasn't tempted to cry or feel very sorry for myself. But tonight all it took was seeing one 10 month old baby just as we walked in to the party, and I was fighting back tears for the next three hours. I couldn't believe how awful I felt, and it hit me even harder because it's been so long since I've felt this way. Felt like everyone in the world can have a baby except for me. Felt like I'd jump at the chance to give my right arm to get pregnant. Felt like running out of the room so I could bawl my eyes out in peace.

Of course, what I actually did was sit there on the couch, eat barbeque, and make small talk with all of the wives who were carrying around their gorgeous babies. Every single one of them asked me if we had kids, and every single time I almost said, "No, we're infertile." It's been so long since I've socialized with people who didn't know what we were going through that I actually have to stop myself from talking about it since it's not really something you bring up with a casual aquaintance. I hate that I don't have kids like they do. Hate that I'm looking for a job right now instead of settling into life as a stay and home mom. Hate that infertility is once again starting to dominate my thoughts and I don't know how to focus on anything else.

I think tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with the OB/GYN clinc at the hospital. Clearly I'm ready to start getting some more answers about what's going on with me, and hopefully I'll find a doctor who'll take me seriously and try to figure out why this is happening to us. I'm also going to call the infertility clinic that I recently discovered is just down the street from our apartment. Maybe there's a support group around here I can join. I need some outlet for my feelings, and unfortunately I don't think the online community alone is going to cut it anymore.