Back from the land of fry sauce and green Jell-o

I just got home from my last-vacation-before-baby trip to Salt Lake, and I had a great time with my family and old friends. It was the first time I'd been back since getting pregnant, and my mom and sister threw me a wonderful baby shower. Most of the guests were family friends who've known me since I was little, and one had even been a guest at the shower my mom's old job threw when she was pregnant with me. My parents certainly know how to maintain friendships!

It was strange to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. I avoided them like the plague while we were still trying to conceive, and as much fun as it was to play games and open box after box of adorable baby clothes and blankets, part of me felt very uncomfortable. Even at 32 weeks, I still can't quite believe that I'm going to be a mom soon and that infertility is (at least for the time being) behind me.

In any case, I'm home again now and starting to tackle all of my summer projects. Why do vacations make everything feel so discombobulated? I spent way too much time just playing catch-up this morning and I still feel like I'm out of the loop on everything. The house needs to be cleaned, laundry has to be done, and all the tasks (little and big) I deliberately put off until after I got back seem totally overwhelming at the moment. I hope other people feel this way right after they get home from a trip--it seems crazy to be disoriented like this after just a few days away.

On a related note, one of our swamp coolers broke last night. A belt (or something) snapped, which means that it's completely broken at the moment. Given that it's around 100 degrees outside right now, the remaining swamp cooler really isn't cooling the house very well. Guess my smug comment that I was going to spend the rest of the summer parked underneath one of the a/c vents came back to bite me. Send us lots of easy-to-fix vibes tonight, since J is going to try to get the swamp cooler back up and running once he gets home from work tonight.

Reality Bites

There are many things I find increasingly frustrating as I cross the line between teacher and student. When I'm at work I'm in charge, and after a year in the classroom I've gained incredibly valuable (in my opinion) real-world knowledge about what it means to be a teacher. While I'm at the university, though, my opinion doesn't count for much, especially in the eyes of professors who have either been out of the primary or secondary classroom for years or (worse) were never classroom teachers themselves. Time and again I've had professors tell me to do things that I know are totally unrealistic in an actual classroom. Just today I saw a professor publicly slam a high school principal for a disciplinary measure that, from my perspective, was completely appropriate given the situation. The professor's suggestion for how the matter should have been handled was completely unrealistic. He would have been laughed out of his own classroom had he attempted this "solution" with my high school students.

It's hard (if not impossible) to hold my tongue in these situations, but frequently I've decided that it's best for my grade if I just nod and smile. Let the professors, who by definition deal in theory rather than practice, live in their bubbles while those of us "in the trenches" continue to work with real kids who need real solutions when a problem arises.

My mentor teacher and I frequently commisserated about this issue last year when we were both taking classes. It just doesn't seem right that the people who are, at least in theory, educating educators are frequently so out of touch with the realities of what it's like to work with children.

Since you asked...

M requested an updated belly picture, so here's one that I took last week. Hard to believe that I'll be getting even bigger over the next 10 weeks!

Aaaaaaaad DONE!

Well, this is it. I've cleaned out my room, said my goodbyes, and driven the Border Highway for the last time. The next time I walk into that school for a normal workday will be in November. NOVEMBER!

To celebrate, I plan to spend the weekend painting the nursery and snuggling with Jasper. I really know how to party, don't I?

Empty

Tomorrow is the last day of school. My entire day today has been filled with emptying my classroom of personal stuff and supplies and with signing my students out. Almost all of them are graduating seniors, so it's been a very bittersweet process. To tell the truth, I've had to fight back tears more than once, and I'm sure that I'll be an enormous wreck at Saturday's graduation ceremony.

Now that just about everything is packed away and most of the kids have left I'm taking some time to look around the room and marvel at how familiar it feels. I can clearly remember walking in here for the first time back in October and being scared out of my mind. I remember bringing those first few boxes of books and posters into the building, remember writing my first lesson out on the board the Saturday before I formally took over the class, and remember hoping like hell that I'd survive that first week. I guess I did, because it's suddenly May and I'm saying goodbye to everyone.

Times like this I know that I've made the right decision to come back here next year.

I get sentimental about the oddest things

Is it wrong to be sad when a TV show ends? I hope not, because I have a habit of getting very maudlin when my favorite shows get cancelled.

Tonight was the series finale of a long-time favorite, "Gilmore Girls". I started watching it during my Sophomore year in college, and before too long it became one of my favorites. My roommates and I would make sure not to schedule Tuesday night classes just so we could all be home to watch new episodes. I made J watch it with me when we started dating, and I love to tell people that I knew he was "the one" when I called him one Tuesday night after he'd moved to DC and heard the strummy la la music on in the background. Even the manliest man had to admit that GG was a pretty decent hour of television.

And now it's over. I'm sad. It's like saying goodbye to an old friend (or a lot of old friends) and a very specific phase of my life at the same time.

Random Thoughts

Since I can't seem to write a coherent post on a single subject today, here are some random and unrelated thoughts that have been running through my head lately:

--I love planning. Love organizing. Love preparing to do projects. Finishing them is another story, but I rock at planning.

--J and I went to PetSmart last week to buy Jasper a new Kong and almost came home with a new kitten. We're crazy cat people in training.

--J has been growing a mustache for a hospital facial-hair-growing contest for the last month, and has FINALLY agreed to shave it off when the contest is over. This is a very good thing.

--There are currently four shopping bags full of newly-purchased stuff on my kitchen table. Some have been sitting there for two weeks. Maybe I should do something about that.

--I'm wearing mascara for the first time today. I think I like it.

--In spite of my resolution to not buy a ton of maternity clothes, my collection is slowly growing. I dearly hope that some of my friends who are TTC right now will want these things when I'm done with them!

--I can't believe that school is out in just two weeks. Where did this year go?

--I signed my contract for next year. My principal agreed to a modified version of the plan the assistant principal and I cooked up, so I'll be coming back to work around Thanksgiving instead of in early October. I'm really happy with the way this has turned out.

Rest in Peace

My parents took Checkers to the vet this morning. My girl is gone. Goodbye sweetheart, I'll always miss you.

Teenagers can be real people when they want to be

My students saved me from having a total breakdown today.

Last night my mom called to let me know that our family cat, the cat I adopted when I was 10 years old, was sick. Really sick. We found out today that she's probably in kidney failure, has diabetes, or has hyperthyroidism. Regardless, she's severely dehydrated, her kidneys are shutting down, and she only weighs 5 lbs. The vet expects to have test results (and a diagnosis) tomorrow, but until then my mom is giving her lots of love and feeding her a prescription wet food.

Anyway, after getting this news, I was a bit of a wreck. Today was one of my busy days at school, so I was kept preoccupied until my conference at the end of the day. I fully expected to just sit in my classroom, bawling, for the entire 90 minute period, but instead I got a wonderful treat. Five of my students (four of whom are failing and needed to do some makeup work) came to my room to work and chat. We sat around, debated some of the symbols in 1984, and really enjoyed each others' company.

I don't know how (or if) they knew that I needed to be with people right then, but their presence was exactly what I needed. Sometimes teenagers can be real assholes, but sometimes (an increasing number of times) they can also be incredibly thoughtful and compassionate. It was nice to be reminded of that today.

No updates on the staying vs. leaving issue today. I could hear something definitive tomorrow, but in reality I think it will probably be closer to Friday before anything is decided.

Something even better than job news

Please go over to Julie's to read about legislation currently being revised in the House of Representatives that could provide infertility coverage as part of standard health insurance. I'm writing a letter to my Representative this weekend. If you're not sure who yours is, go to this site and enter your ZIP code.

Oh, and on the job front--the wait for an actual answer has officially been extended to next week. I signed the contract since the district won't be willing to work with me at all if I don't have one, but it's still very possible that I won't be going back next year. As if you hadn't already guessed, my feelings on the matter are decidedly mixed.

Please send non-alcoholic alcohol

Did you know that I'm going grey? I am. I got my first grey hairs when I was 21. It was during the summer I interned in DC while I was still in college, and I probably should have taken that first grey strand as an omen. DO NOT MOVE TO THIS TOWN BECAUSE YOU WILL LOOK LIKE AN OLD LADY BEFORE YOU ARE 30.

Being me, I didn't listen to the grey prophet and thus spent three years living in the DC area accumulating many more of his little friends. My hair now looks "sparkly" when viewed from above, and my stylist keeps tempting me with pretty highlights that I cannot afford to maintain once I commit to them.

Well, I may just need to book an emergency appointment with her ASAP because I will be shocked if my hair doesn't go completely white by the end of the day.

In short, there has been no movement on the decision over whether or not I can come back next year. Numerous balls have been dropped by numerous people, and I really have to include myself in that list because one lesson I should have learned by now is to never EVER trust anyone else to do what they say they'll do when the issue at hand is vitally important to my future health and happiness. I'm hopeful that something will be decided by the end of the day today, especially since my contract needs to be signed by midnight tonight, but after the way this week has gone I'm not exactly holding my breath.

Until then, I could really use a drink.

Off the hook?

Job situation update:

Number of hours spent wringing hands over job decision since last post: 144

Number of friends dreading my e-mails/phone calls because I won't shut up about the job decision: ALL

Number of meetings had with my Assistant Principal to figure out a compromise that makes everyone happy: 3

Number of very good, very workable solutions offered to me by Assistant Principal: 1

Number of people who still have to sign off on the very good, very workable solution: 1 (Principal)

Finally finding tentative peace of mind over going back to work vs. staying at home: Priceless


I promise to be less vague about the details of this job solution when (if!) it's approved by my Principal. Currently, I just don't want to jinx it. Suffice it to say, the fact that my school has, so far, bent over backwards to keep me on staff next year makes me feel like I'm making the right decision to fight like hell to stay here while still being able to spend most of Luke's first year of life at home with him.

Decisions, decisions...

Apologies (once again) for the lack of blog posts lately. There have been a lot of things on my mind, but I felt that I needed to work some of them out on my own before writing about them. First and foremost, J and I sat down last week when I got my contract for the 2007-2008 school year and went over our budget. Surprise, surprise, we can afford for me to stay home next year.

This is what I always thought I wanted. Back when we first started trying to have a baby, one of the things we agreed on was that I'd quit my job to be a stay at home mom for at least a year or two. Back then, of course, I felt like my soul was being sucked from my eyeballs every day when I walked into the office, so the idea of quitting to be a full-time parent was very appealing. Fast forward two years, and everything is different. I love my job. I love my students, love my coworkers, and love how happy I am to go to work every day. Do I get frustrated and annoyed sometimes? Of course. Do I love my job? Yes. More than I ever thought I could. Do I still want to stay at home next year? I don't know.

Some days I feel like staying home is the only reasonable course of action. I don't want to miss minute of Button's first year of life, and it's not as if taking a year off will prevent me from going back into teaching once we're all ready for me to work again. Then I start thinking about my school and everything gets very, very complicated. I don't want to leave my school. I don't want to leave the wonderful kids I teach, don't want to leave the great friends I've made there (two of whom are also pregnant and due in the next few months), and I don't want to feel like I've spent so much time and energy getting certified just to leave a great position. Since I've only worked for the district for a year, they don't (and won't) hold my position until I want to come back. It's always possible that another English spot would open up in 2008-2009, but chances aren't great that it'll happen.

Complicating factor number two is that J works a lot. A whole lot. Life as a resident won't be much different for him (or us) than life as an intern has been. He'll still pull 80-100 hour weeks. It's going to suck whether I stay home or go back to work, and I'm not sure which decision will ultimately be best for our family and for our marriage. I worry about feeling lonely or isolated staying at home, especially since we won't have a lot of money for activities like Gymboree or music groups. Plus, all of my friends work and live on the opposite side of town. Sure, it's only a 20-25 minute drive, but I know myself too well to think that I won't feel at least a little abandoned, particularly on days when the baby just won't stop fussing.

So, I don't know. I have to make my decision soon since my contract needs to be signed by next Friday if I'm going to accept it. Signing and then quitting isn't really a viable option--the district WILL blackball me if I break a contract, and with so few districts in this area, I can't afford to lock myself out of employment with any one of them.

Reflections

I've spent a lot of time this week complaining. I'm not sleeping well, I have a major paper due next week that I'm struggling with, and I've spent the whole week administering state-assessment exams to freshmen and sophomores. I miss my students!

And yet. Life seems to have a way of reminding us that most of the things that we complain about really doesn't matter. Yes, these things are annoying and bothersome, but they're not true problems. They're certainly nothing like the problems I was having last year.

Two years ago this week Juan and I decided to start our family. One year ago this week I was standing on the brink of serious infertility testing and treatment. This week? My biggest problem is that I'm going to have to spend the weekend holed up with my laptop doing research. Sort of puts things in perspective. Of course, even my infertility struggles are insignificant compared to the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech.

Perspective is an interesting thing. I'm thankful to be able to have it.

Making arrangements

Touring daycares is a somewhat surreal experience. At the moment we're planning to share a nanny with some neighbors, but if that falls through I wanted to have a backup option in place. So, early last week I did some investigating and found the names of some highly recommended centers in our area. They passed my first test (they didn't need me to make an appointment before coming in for a tour) and I was really impressed with the center directors and staff.

Still, it was surreal. At certain points in the tour I found myself wondering if this was actually happening to me or not. I saw parents come in to pick up their kids at the end of the day and it didn't seem possible that that could be me in just a few months. When looking at the status report pages they make for every kid at the end of the day, I started to feel like a phony. What was I doing looking at these things? What was I doing at a daycare? The director was treating me like a parent--what kind of a crazy place was this?

It literally took getting a glimpse of my (rather obviously) pregnant reflection in a window to jerk me back into reality.

So, we're on the waiting list for the center and will be continuing to meet with the prospective nanny and our neighbors over the next few weeks. Due to some family issues our meeting for this weekend fell through, but we've got a date set up for the end of the month.

Next up: disassembling our guest room/library so we can start getting the nursery together.

Pregmentia strikes!

It's been well established that I can be a colossal ditz at times. I'm beginning to wonder if I should even be allowed outside the house, though, because of the stupid stuff I consistantly can't remember. Insignificant things like:

-The names of my students
-The names of books we've read in class (the kids totally nailed me on this one today--I was so embarassed!)
-Setting my alarm

Oh, and the teeny, tiny little matter of MY OWN NAME!

Last night at class I was getting ready to leave when one of my friends pulled me aside to ask if everything was okay at home. I was a little surprised that she was asking because I didn't remember mentioning anything about my home life to her recently, so I told her that no, everything was fine, and asked why she thought things might not be okay. Her answer? I had signed my maiden name on the class roster that night.

Whoops.

This wouldn't be so embarassing if I hadn't done exactly the same thing last week. Now, I did use my maiden name professionally while we lived in the DC area, so it's not like I've been using my married name for very long, but still! At least it makes for a somewhat amusing story (Juan got a kick out of it when I told him) so I guess pregmentia is at least good for a laugh. I just hope what little memory power I used to have comes back when this baby is born!

Breaking News

Lisa Eaves, who runs the mind/body fertility workshop in Washington, DC that I took this time last year, is featured in the latest issue of U.S. News and World Report. If you live in the DC area and are struggling with infertility, I cannot recommend her classes enough. Bravo, Lisa for getting this wonderful exposure!

There it is!

My motivation! I've finally found it!

I don't know if it's the upcoming 4-day weekend (and really, don't you have to love a world in which a week-long Spring Break is almost immediately followed by another long weekend?) or the fact that there are only 8 weeks left until the end of the school year, but all of a sudden I feel like I did back in October when I first started teaching. I enjoy planning my lessons, try my hardest to find hooks to get the kids interested in each and every piece of literature that we're reading, and just generally feel like I'm having fun at work. I love feeling this way, and I love that it's happening again at the end of the year just as I've started questioning whether or not coming back next year is really worth it. I know that I'll need to hang on to the memory of feelings like this when I start again next year with a newborn at home.

Of course, it would be nice if this motivation carried over to my feelings about, say, doing housework on the weekend, but for now I'm content with having it at school.

The International Infertility Film Festival

The amazing Bea has put together an online film festival highlighting (what else?) infertility. The entries are hilarious, heartbreaking, and insightful. Please, go watch!

Okay, SEATTLE!

My earlier post got me motivated to download all the Seattle pictures from my visit with Kathleen. In short, the trip was AWESOME! I don't think we stopped talking all weekend (even Brett commented on how we wouldn't shut up--apparently we kept him awake a few nights because of it!) and we went all over the city. If you ever need a Seattle tour guide, Kathleen is your girl!


No trip to Seattle is complete with a trip to the Troll on Troll Ave! Kathleen and I thought about climbing up on his arm, but, well, we were too chicken. It's a lot steeper than it looks!


Then we saw these two Hummer limos just parked on a random street. It seemed odd, so I took a picture. What can I say, it had us in stitches at the time!


Then Kathleen took me on a tour of the building where she works, and in addition to the very cool elevator room, we got to go up on the roof. What a view! This is me, being very goofy (and windblown!) with the Space Needle.


We met up with our friend Minda a couple of times, which was a blast. She just had a gorgeous baby girl, and I had a hard time believing her when she said that the little one was a handful at home. All she did was sleep and coo when we were around! I can only hope to be so lucky with Button!


And finally, the two of us at the airport just before I left for home. We had our millionth cup of yummy Seattle coffee here, and I was very reluctant to get on the plane.

And, in other news, my latest belly shot (20 weeks 2 days) is below. I'm officially feeling huge!

Putting my feet up

Many apologies for the lack of posts lately. There's been a lot going on (my trip to Seattle and 26th birthday among them) but every time I think about blogging I just can't bring myself to do it. No idea what this sudden aversion to writing is, but it's really doing a number on my blog.

In any case, pictures of the trip are forthcoming, and I hope to be back more often very soon.

Wait, didn't I just have a vacation?

Seriously, I need another week off. This week has been nothing but workworkworkworkwork, and it's only Wednesday. It's not just teaching, either, though trust me that it's been a massive struggle to get the kids to do anything other than stare blankly at the wall and drool this week. I've also had a boatload of work (including a MASSIVE research paper that came just on the heels of an even more massive midterm) for school, and knowing that there's still around a month left of my classes is making me feel overwhelmed and discouraged. I actually got to a point today where I called up a friend and fellow classmate in a dead panic becuase for some reason I'd managed to convince myself that I was doing my in-line citations (for the paper that was due tonight) incorrectly. The fact that I teach the research paper format and thus really do know how to do them didn't factor into the equation.

My last two pre-baby classes this summer cannot be this hard because if they are, I'm not going to make it.

The bottom line is that I'm really, really tired. I think part of it is that I'm sick at the moment, and I just don't do "sick" very well even when I'm not feeling totally overwhelmed by my life, so I have to place at least some of the blame on the fact that I feel like crap. I'm hoping to get an opportunity to really relax this weekend, but given that I have another research paper proposal due on Sunday, it may not happen.

The times they are a changin'

One of the best books I've ever read was Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I remember wondering "Why didn't I learn this before now?" as I read about how my body works. It's a sentiment I've heard echoed hundreds of times on internet message boards and among friends, especially since we all had some type of sex ed in high school.

Well, you can imagine how happy I was to hear that there's now a teen version out to help young women understand their cycles. The focus of this book is obviously different from TCOYF in that there's no section on how to get pregnant, and information on how to chart to avoid pregnancy is also omitted (since Weschler decided that teens weren't likely to follow all of the rules safely) but the important parts about how to figure out what your body is doing when, and why it's doing it have been preserved.

I've frequently thought that if we ever have a daughter I want to teach her this information. Sex ed in the schools is unlikely to ever give the exact information I'd like my kids to have, and books like this can help clear up a lot of the misconceptions girls have about their bodies. Better yet, it can help them make smart choices when/if they decide to have sex. Thumbs up from me, all around.

Naturally, some are saying that the book provides girls with too much information. I think it gives them the facts they should have been getting all along. One mother (from Idaho, no less!) told the Washington Post that she's a fan of the book. "By giving them knowledge, you are treating them in a more adult way, and I think that helps them make more adult decisions," she said. I couldn't agree more. Denying that teens are having sex doesn't work. Statistics and my own personal experience (I have a number of students who are pregnant or parents already) prove it. What's wrong with giving up the scare tactics that have proven so ineffective in the past, and giving girls accurate, fact-based information about their cycles?

Drumroll please...

In short, Button is a....BOY!!!!! He is unquestionably a boy, and we've got more than one ultrasound picture to prove it.

For those who want the long version, the ultrasound went very well. Button has a lovely spine, a beautiful heart, and two of the cutest little hands you've ever seen. He was a bit hyperactive, so it took the tech quite awhile to get all the necessary measurements, but when all is said and done everything looks good. I'm measuring right on target (19 weeks 5 days for those keeping score at home) and aside from a little bit more weight gain than we'd all like to see, all is well. We're still without a name (though Juan did buy a baby name book at Barnes and Noble tonight and promises to actually take a look at it one of these days since he's shot down almost all of my boy name suggestions) but I don't expect that will last for long.

I confess that I'm in a little bit of shock after today. Not only was I almost completely convinced that we were having a girl (because really, how often are the Snarkies wrong?) but knowing that we're having a boy makes it all a little bit more real. I know I'm repeating myself here, but I can't believe how fast all of this is going, and I especially can't believe that in just 20 more weeks we're going to become a family of three.

SPRING BREAK, WOOOOOOOO!!!

Today was the last day of school before the start of Spring Break, and I could have kissed the loudspeaker when the final bell rang at the stroke of 3:50. Disgusting, yes, but very, very tempting under the circumstances. It's been a long 9 weeks since the kids came back from Christmas break, and between their spring fever and my recent insomnia-induced bad moods, we're all in desperate need of a VACATION from one another.

Of course, there's still the eensy weensy matter of the 15 page term paper I have to write for one of my grad classes before the week is up, but overall this Spring Break is going to be one of relaxation and indulgence. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with some girlfriends, Juan has another day off (!!!), then we have our big ultrasound with Button on Tuesday, and THEN, I take off to visit the always-fabulous Kathleen on Thursday. If last year is any indication, we will probably spend our time together behaving badly in public, spending too much money on purses, and generally enjoying the hell out of ourselves. I can't wait!

In other news, HOLLY SHIT WE'RE FINDING OUT IF BUTTON IS A BOY OR A GIRL ON TUESDAY!!!

Perfect weekend

This was Juan's and my first weekend off together since Christmas. Rather, it was our first day off together since Christmas, since he was post-call on Saturday and slept all day. Still, one day together is better than none, and it was wonderful to get to actually have conversations somewhere other than the bed or the dinner table. We went out to lunch, looked at baby furniture, and weeded the yard. It was a perfectly ordinary weekend day, but when you take into account the fact that we haven't had one for almost three months, the ordinary can seem extraordinary.

In other news, our big ultrasound is in just 9 days. Nine days!

Kicking around my head

I think I'm recovering.

In the past two weeks, I've been able to have conversations about potential (and actual) accidental pregnancies with several friends who needed support. For the first time in almost two years, I didn't feel like crying when thinking about someone else getting pregnant without even trying. I was able to be there for my friends, to talk them through their feelings, and to keep in mind that the conversation was about them, not about me.

This is huge. I know I couldn't have done it before getting pregnant myself, and I honestly don't think that I could have even done it during my first trimester. Every day that goes by I feel more like a normal, healthy pregnant woman, and not like someone who is broken inside. I don't feel like a leper anymore. I don't feel out of place in the "normal" crowd. It's something that continues to both puzzle and delight me, but it also has less positive implications for other parts of my life.

Mel has a great post at Stirrup Queens right now about belonging in the infertility community. Her (admirable) opinion is that once a member, always a member. Pregnancy doesn't mean that your membership is revoked, and no matter how you get pregnant, your feelings while going through infertility were real and valid and should always be respected as such. I read her post last night and almost cried because I don't feel like I belong anymore. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm pregnant or the fact that I was ultimately able to get pregnant without ART, but I no longer feel like I'm a "real" member of the community.

On a purely clinical level, my issue has to do with the fact that I was unquestionably infertile before the lap but have no idea whether the surgery fixed everything permanantly or not. Am I considered subfertile? Fertile for awhile? Fertile for good? No one knows, and honestly we probably won't know until Juan and I start trying for #2. That won't be happening for quite awhile, and until then I'm just not sure where I fall. Without a definitive diagnosis (and goodness knows I'm not going to spend much time thinking about the fact that I'm back in the pre-diagnosis phase) I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm caught between the infertile and fertile worlds and not completely sure I belong in either. "Recovering" seems to be the best term for how I think of myself at the moment, but as grateful as I am for everything that's happened to me since Thanksgiving, I'm also grieving for what I've lost. I miss feeling like I belong to a group, and as much as I my head agrees with Mel that once someone has gone through the pain of infertility they should belong to that group forever, my heart isn't so sure.

Being infertile was a huge part of my identity for a long time, and I guess my ultimate question is who am I now? What emotional identity comes between infertilty and motherhood?

Fine, fine

Okay, so I've been really good about not asking everyone to tell me how pregnant I look in spite of my complete lack of a baby belly. Still, as I think the below photo will show, I think I'm actually showing now! So, enjoy. I may be headless, but that's definitely a bump.


17 weeks 0 days

How to freak out my dog

Step 1: Husband gets brilliant idea to use new camcorder to take video of my belly in a vain effort to persuade the world that I am, in fact, pregnant.

Step 2: Have equally brilliant idea to include dog in video since, well, he's cute.

Step 3: Take video that consists entirely of self asking dog where the baby is over and over again until he tries to see if I have a treat in my hand. At this point, make a bizarre snorting/laughing sound that will doubtless be mocked by family and friends who receive said video.

Step 4: Hook camcorder up to computer to view video and completely mess with the dog's head when my voice comes out of somewhere that is clearly not my mouth.

Step 5: Dog totally freaks out about the entire situation and proceeds to race around the room until he is forcibly held down by self and husband to get a calming belly rub.

Step 6: Realize that this scene will be repeated many, MANY times in the future when we actually make home movies and show them on the TV. Groan.

Senseless

I turned on the news this morning to see this story dominating the headlines. It's frightening when an attack so violent and so senseless hits close to home. In this case I mean that literally since I lived right across the street from Trolley Square when I was in college. So many memories happened there-- Juan and I had our rehearsal dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory mentioned in the story above, I went there with my friends and our dates before the senior prom, and it was a hangout for me and my roommates when we could just cross the street to get some authentic saltwater taffy or just to do a little window shopping.

It's hard to believe something like this could happen in a place everyone always thought was so safe, and in a community that prides itself on having such little gun violence. My heart goes out to the victims and their families.

Can someone direct me to that river in Egypt?

If you'd asked me last week if I was having pregnancy-induced mood swings I would have said no. I felt fine, hadn't been this happy in over a year, and everything was hunky dory. I even felt snugly superior about my lack of mood swings. Boy, am I eating some humble pie now!

In short, this was the weekend-o-bitchiness. I bitched at Juan about his hours, bitched at my friends about issues at school, bitched at anyone who would listen about the research paper abstract I'm working on, bitched at Juan again about how crappy this Valentine's Day is going to be because I'm in class until after 9:00 that night, and wrapped it all up today by yelling at two students (which they deserved--it wasn't just my moodiness, I had several other non-pregnant teachers agree with how I handled the situation) and then crying on the phone with the ultrasound department at the hospital because they were giving me grief about when I want to schedule my appointment. I really need to cut this whole crying on the phone thing out. I hate it when I do that.

So, in short, the moodiness has officially set in. This is my way of issuing a pre-emptive apology to anyone I get irritable with over the nxt 6 months or so. I don't mean it, I swear. These hormones seriously have a mind of their own.

boom boom boom boom boom

We had a good doctor's appointment today.

First, we got to hear Button's heartbeat. The doctor had no trouble at all finding it and everything sounds great. Once Juan and I had listened to our hearts' content, we reviewed my blood tests from my last appointment (normal) and I got a little lecture about my weight. Apparently I'm 2 lbs. over where I should be. Nothing to worry about at this point, but I should probably lay off the Rice Krispy treats for awhile.

Then we started talking about my next appointment. The "big" appointment, complete with anatomy ultrasound and (drumroll please) finding out if Button is a boy or a girl. I can schedule it anytime in the next 3-5 weeks, which has me a little freaked out. Three to five weeks? That's no time at all! Heck, spring break isn't even for another month, and here was Dr. M telling me that we could find out our baby's sex before I leave on vacation.

This pregnancy feels like it's just flying by. I'm already in the second trimester, we're starting to look at furniture, and it's slowly sinking in that we're actually going to be parents come August. You'd think that after trying to get pregnant for almost two years, I wouldn't be so...amazed at that fact, but I am. It just seems incredible that our lives are going to change so much so soon.

Super What?

I'm not a football fan. To put it more bluntly, I can't think of many things that are more boring than sitting around watching football, even if I'm with friends and there's alcohol involved. Juan is the same way--I'd be surprised if he even knows which teams are playing today. I only know because my students couldn't talk about anything else last week.

Therefore, it shouldn't suprise anyone that I sort of forgot that the Super Bowl is today. I swear, on some level I knew that it was on this weekend, but the fact that the entire city was planning to be at the grocery store this afternoon to pick up party supplies completely escaped me. Until I got there, that is.

Oh. My. God. I've been to the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and an hour before Game 7 of the NBA finals back when the Jazz made the playoffs and I still lived in Utah. As such, I thought I knew what the word "crowd" meant. I had no idea. I have never, in my LIFE, seen so many people trying to buy soda and potato chips. It was insane.

So, just in case anyone was wondering, I'm not watching the game today. I am, however, trying to recover from my supermarket-induced emotional scars. I may need therapy.

Happy (belated) Blog-iversary

So, the actual 1 year anniversary of this blog was a week ago, but seeing as how I've been drowning in work (and living in a lot of denial about how much I still have left to do every night for the next couple of months) I didn't notice. Oops! So, happy blogiversary to me!

I thought I'd take a look back everything that's happened to me over the last year. Note, this was originally supposed to come with links, but I'm too damn tired and overwhelmed with work to add them. Sorry, but you can navigate by months on my sidebar if you'd like to read posts I mention here

January:
-Began this blog
-Started the spiral into a depression over not being pregnant
-Put our condo on the market

February
-Took a fantastic trip to Boston and Maine
-Had the best Valentine's Day on record
-Got in a car accident
-Finally called my doctor to start the fertility testing process
-Took the infamous photo of a knife I almost stabbed Juan in the foot with

March
-Hit a peak in my depression over not being able to get pregnant
-Had the crappiest 25th birthday on record
-Visited my family in Utah and posted about all the things I dislike about my home state
-Was picked up as an evil liberal blogger on a conservative Utah blog for the aforementioned post
-Still didn't sell our condo

April
-Had my first RE appointment with the most evil Nurse Practitioner known to man
-Took a trip to California with a mysterious "Item X"
-Had my HSG and was officially diagnosed as infertile
-Took a trip to our new town and placed an offer on a house

May
-Lost our contract on the house because our condo still hadn't sold
-Wrote my all-time favorite post on being an infertile 20-something
-Quit my job
-Got an offer on our condo
-Lost our buyer after just a week
-Found out that our dream house in Texas was back on the market and placed a new offer
-Got another offeron the condo from a new buyer
-My dad was hit by a car while riding his bike in North Carolina
-J graduated from medical school
-Left DC for Texas

June
-Took a trip to Vegas
-Entered a new chapter in infertility-related depression
-Closed on our Texas house and moved in
-Did not find a job

July
-Started seeing a new doctor about infertility
-Adopted Jasper
-Got admitted to grad school to become a teacher

August
-Survived our massive flooding
-Still didn't have a job
-Joined Operation Common Thread
-Celebrated my parents' 25th wedding anniversary
-Started school

September
-Had a laparoscopy and FINALLY got a diagnosis for our infertility--scar tissue
-Wrote an angry letter to NBC over a stupid, prejudicial story they did on young, infertile women
-Encountered the centipedes from hell
-Interviewed for a job as a high school English teacher
-Took a road trip to Utah

October
-Didn't hear from the school after my interview, assumed I didn't get the job
-Got another negative pregnancy test
-GOT THE TEACHING POSITION!
-Decided to hold off on calling the RE to start IUIs
-Started my 20th cycle of TTC

November
-Was busy at work
-GOT PREGNANT!!!
-Our cat Codi went into heart failure and spent a week in critical condition

December
-Codi came home!
-Finished my first semester of teaching
-Annouced my pregnancy to my family and the internet at large

Why do I do this to myself? (or, I suck at staying on task)

I have so much work to do tonight, it's not even funny. Lesson planning for two classes that I somehow neglected to do last weekend (oops), finishing up some homework for my own online class, reviewing all 5 hours of the BBC Pride and Prejudice to find the good parts that can be shown in 90 minutes, and grading. Oh, and did I mention that it's officially a month past Christmas and our tree is still up?

To top it off, I had a total meltdown at work today. I think the pregnancy hormones are finally kicking in, because I was in TEARS over the fact that an assignment I spent a long time writing for my online class got eaten by the stupid class software, so I had to rewrite it. I cried to the IT guru over the phone (who, to his credit, did not hang up on me when I started making unreasonable demands), to J, who I paged at work just so I could bitch and whine, and finally to my empty classroom. I think I honestly expected that one of the three would be able to pull out a magic wand and re-create my lost work, but sadly reality set in and I realized that I had to do it myself. So, after pouting and whining to the Snarkies, I did the assignment over again. It didn't take too long, which told me that I seriously overreacted in the first place, but it was really the straw that broke this camel's proverbial back.

With all of this on my plate, and the drama of this afternoon behind me, you'd think that I would have come home and started working immediately, wouldn't you? Oh no. Not me. Instead I have:

-ordered a pizza
-managed to cut myself (with my own fingernail) while peeling an orange
-devoured a large portion of the above pizza
-watched part of Dr. Phil
-watched all of last night's super-long Top Chef (why I even bother at this point is beyond me since I hate all of the contestants)
-let the dog out seven or eight times
-read blogs
-written this entry

All very productive and work-related activities, right? Yeah. So, it's now almost 7:00, I need to go to bed around 8:00 if I'm going to wake up for school early enough tomorrow to make the trillion or so handouts I need for my first class, and I've got maybe four or five hours of work staring me in the face. Guess it's time to go make some cupcakes!

Possibly the only downside to being pregnant

I just realized that I won't be able to play my annual State of the Union drinking game. Oh well, I think I'll survive.

Hope everyone is planning to watch or read a transcript tonight! As much as I dislike the current Administration, I can't imagine not watching the SOU. Not just because I love my drinking game, but because I want to know what issues the President wants to focus on during the next 12 months. I rarely agree with his ideas, but I at least need to know what they are.

Houston, we have a heartbeat!

This is possibly one of the best days of my life! We arrived at the appointment and were ushered into the doctor's office almost immediately. Dr. M congratulated us, we spent a few minutes catching up since I hadn't seen him since my surgery in September, and then he sent us into the ultrasound room to get a look at the Button! In short, things look perfect! She was doing backflips, mooning the doctor, and giving us a very nice look at her arms, legs, head, heart, spine, etc... We saw everything.

(for those who may be wondering why I'm referring to Button as "she", no, we didn't find out the sex yet, but I'm getting a very strong girl vibe right now)

I confess that I cried a bit when Dr. M turned the screen around and let me look at my baby for the first time. I can't even describe what the moment felt like. Humbling. Shocking. Inspiring. There's no one word that can sum it all up, but suffice it to say that I'm very, very happy.

The family has officially been cleared to share the news, and I'm told that my mom has already told two of her friends about the Button. I think she's probably going to have an "Official Member of the Grandma Club" t-shirt printed shortly. For his part, my dad is researching webcams and giving me nutritional instructions over the phone. I probably don't need to say that they're excited.

Welcome to the family, Button! You've got a lot of people who are already anxious to meet you!

Dealing with assholes never gets easier

J and I spent the weekend up at a ski lodge in New Mexico for a department retreat. Mostly, it was a blast. All of our friends were there, we went to a couple of workshops, and then spent a LOT of time relaxing. With the exception of the Mexican food they served for dinner last night, I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. Well, maybe except for one other thing.

See, at breakfast this morning we ended up sitting next to one of THOSE people. You know, the type who feels it's perfectly appropriate to ask you probing, personal questions 5 minutes after you've been introduced. First we chatted (well, he did most of the talking, I just smiled and nodded) about skiing, then he asked about our families, and then he asked the one question every woman who has experienced infertility dreads more than anything else: "So, when are YOU planning to have children?"

I confess, I told him that we were currently 10 weeks pregnant in hopes that it would shut him up on the subject. Did it? Oh no. Instead, he started talking about how he and his wife had two "oops" babies, and assumed that ours was the same. I was halfway tempted to tell him that it had taken the collective wisdom and skill of a half dozen doctors, surgery, and nearly two years to get to this point, but in the end I decided against sharing our story with him because I really didn't want to talk about infertility with an oblivious asshole over my hash browns. At that point, he turned his attention to a friend of mine and asked her if she and her husband were going to give their 2 year old daughter a brother or sister anytime soon. That was when I decided that cutting and running was probably the best possible strategy, so I made up some excuse about needing to get something from my room and dragged my friend out of the room.

For the record (just in case any of you were wondering) it is NEVER okay to ask someone about their family building plans. NEVER. You can ask if they have children (though after going through infertility I've started saying "Tell me about your family" instead, since being reminded of the fact that I was childless every time I met someone new wasn't a pleasant experience) but not if or when they plan to have any. My reproductive organs have nothing to do with you. Period. End of story.

In any case, we're home now, my first appointment is in three days, and now that I've gotten all this out I feel much better.

Happy Fetus Day!

Well, I'm officially 10 weeks today which means that the Button can now officially be called a fetus. Happy Fetus Day, little one!

This pregnancy feels more real every day, and now that my first appointment is only a few days away I find myself thinking more and more about what ifs. What if I get to the appointment and things aren't okay? What if there's no heartbeat? I'm really not sure how I would cope with that. Mostly I just wish that I knew for sure one way or another. I'm not kicking myself for not accepting the appointment I was offered earlier this week, but I suppose I can wait another 5 days.

No more naval-gazing allowed tonight! I've now officially scared myself far more than I ever wanted to, and need to focus on something else. Have a good weekend, everyone!

Butt is officially kicked

Oh. My. God. I have never been so exhausted in my life! Just staying awake and somewhat energetic and animated today was almost more than I could handle. All of the kids were bouncing off the walls because it was the first day back from a three week break, my classroom smelled like tacos (have I mentioned that I have a major aversion to Mexican food?), and all I wanted to do was to put my head down on my desk and take a nap. We'll see how tomorrow goes, but I'm not expecting it to be much better.

I hate to say it, but as much as I disliked my old job, it would have been soooooooo much more conducive to pregnancy. I had a private office with a door I could close at any time to take a short nap, my work was almost completely desk-based, and (best of all) I didn't have to wait until lunch for a bathroom break. Well, I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too.

The time has come

Well, I offically grew out of my "skinny" pair of jeans today. Since they're also my favorite pair of jeans, I bought a Bella Band (stretchy band of fabric that goes around the waist of your pants so you can leave them unbottoned) to get me through the next couple of months before I need full-on maternity wear.

I have to say, going into a maternity store was a bizarre experience. When the salesgirl asked me if I was buying for myself, I almost answered no. Even at 9 weeks, I still can't really believe that I'm pregnant. Part of me was scared to even think about buying any pregnancy wear because things could still go wrong. Still, I'm trying to stay very positive, so today's purchase was as much about comfort as it was about taking a leap of faith. I have the feeling that this is just the first of many leaps.

Ready to go back

Today was my first day back at work, and it felt really good to be there. Not that vacation wasn't a lot of fun, but there comes a time when a girl has to get up off the couch and realize that there's more to life than a weeklong marathon of "America's Next Top Model" on VH1. Of course the students don't come back until Monday, but it was still a very full day.

In other news, we got snow the other day! SNOW!!! It was less than a dusting, but it still made me smile. Winter hasn't seemed very winter-y what with our 60 degree temperatures and nonstop sun. Juan even called me from the hospital to make sure I saw it. We both got way too excited about the snow for two people who supposedly dislike it so much.

So long, 2006--don't let the door hit you on the way out

Can I say how happy I am that 2006 is over? The year started with confronting infertility and starting the testing process, then my dad was hit by a car 2,500 miles from home, then there was family drama, then we moved cross-country, then I was unemployed, then we figured out why we hadn't gotten pregnant yet, then I got my dream job, then our cat almost died, and then I got pregnant. For a year that ended on such an amazing note, though, most of 2006 really sucked. While my family was visiting for Christmas we agreed that our collective New Year's resolution was that no one (save for me in August) end up in the hospital. We'd better all keep that resolution.

I have so many hopes for 2007. Mostly I hope for a healthy pregnancy, but I also hope that J's internship and residency continues to go well. I hope that my sister gets into the nursing program she's been working so hard to qualify for since last year. I hope that my parents and in-laws stay healthy and that we see lots of them. I hope that we have zero pet health emergencies. I hope my friends (who had even rougher years in 2006 than I did) get the news they've been praying for. I hope this war starts to come to a conclusion. I hope the Democrats don't screw up leadership of the House and the Senate. I hope our leaders start listening to reason. I hope for so many things, and have hope that at least most of my hopes will come true.

The big news

Well, I'm sure that some of you have guessed what I'm about to announce, but hopefully it's a surprise for a few. I'm pregnant! I'm 8 weeks today and would have told you all much, MUCH sooner (I haven't been posting much for the last few weeks because I knew that if I did it would be too hard to keep the news a secret) but we wanted to surprise our families with the news for Christmas and many of them read my blog. So, SURPRISE!

Symptom-wise I'm feeling good about feeling crappy. I'm constantly queasy or nauseous, having the worst acid reflux of my life, and experiencing major food aversions. Sushi and Mexican food are dead to me right now.

J is thrilled, and so were our parents when we finally spilled the beans. This is already one very loved baby! We're all anxious about my first appointment on January 17, but I'm seeing the awesome Dr. M who figured out our scar tissue problem, so at least I know that I'll be in good hands.

It's a strange feeling, blogging from this side of the infertility fence, but I don't plan to forget about everything we went through to get to this point. Infertility is still a very important part of my story.

Merry Christmas to All

I hope that wherever you are this Christmas season, you're looking forward to the new year and new possibilities in 2007. Happy holidays!

More fun with the vet

Codi had her follow-up appointment tonight, and there's good news and bad news. The good news is that not only is she stable, but the medicine is working. She has 50% more lung capacity this week than she did last week. We suspected as much, especially since we saw her chasing Arcadia the other night. The bad news is that she still needs the surgery in the next few months. I think we'll probably schedule it around my spring break in March so I can be home with her while she recovers.

I dearly hope this chapter in our lives is almost over. I've told all the pets that their New Years resolutions need to be to stay healthy.

In other news, my parents get into town tonight, and I can't wait for the family holiday festivities to begin!

I am so ready for a break

Wednesday seriously can't come fast enough. I'm exhausted, drained, and (totally unrelated to the semester winding down) getting sick. Ugh. I just have to make it one more day, though, then school is out until the second week of January.

In other C-as-slacker related news, guess who popped in a disc of "Big Love" instead of working on the quiz she's giving her juniors tomorrow? Just guess. I.Can't.Wait.For.Wednesday.

Longer posts will be forthcoming soon, I promise. I know I've put this blog on the back burner for the last few weeks, but I promise that will be changing very shortly.

Brief Codi Update

Codi went to the vet today and there was good news and bad news. The bad news is that the pleural effusion is back. This is the problem we originally took her in for, but isn't the one that landed her in critical condition for the better part of a week. The good news is that she's stable right now, can breathe without too much trouble, and it's very unlikely that she has cancer or heart failure. She may still have a heart problem, though, so if a course of medication doesn't clear it up by this time next week she'll probably need to have surgery. As scary as that might be, right now we're trying to stay positive about her prognosis and hope that the meds do what they're supposed to do.

In other news, my stress level is slowly going down as finals wrap up, and I have ACTUAL PLANS this weekend that don't involve grading papers and planning lessons. Say it with me people, WOO HOOO!!!

End of semester blues

Well, it's the last week of the semester and I am (still) exhausted. I have scholarship applications to grade, letters of recommendation to write, final reviews to prepare for, and (my least favorite part of all) failing kids to try to get back on track. Anyway, there's just a week left to go until all make-up and extra credit work is due, and I can certainly make it another week before taking a break.

In the meantime, though, I'm probably not going to have much time for posting, so I'll leave you with these pictures of our Christmas tree and the animals. Arcadia was strangely disinterested in the tree this year, but Codi and Jasper let us photograph them to our hearts content. Codi is doing much better, by the way. She's eating us out of house and home and her energy level has definitely improved. I think she's going to be just fine.

Google says what?

I think there comes a time in every blogger's life when she does the obligatory "gee, isn't it funny how people find my blog?" post. Well, my time has come. As This Sorta Fairytale nears its one-year anniversary (just a few weeks away, and I have a big surprise planned!) more and more random people seem to be ending up here because of a Google search. The more entertaining ones include:

Cats that hate their vet
Sorry, we've got two of them (Codi in particular hates Dr. F quite a bit right now) and there's really nothing that can be done for it as far as I know.

Employed by crappy medical office
You are? I'm sorry. Do you want Google to find you a new job?

If you give a mouse a cookie
This is probably the tenth hit I've gotten on this children's book title. GO TO BARNES AND NOBLE, PEOPLE!

marie antoinette movie ticket stub
I'm sorry, but WHY, for the love of Pete, would you do a Google search for this? Why?

bats missed by home inspection
The...BATS??? Oh lord, I'm sorry. I'm laughing, but I'm sorry.

babysitting disaster
Let's face it, I'm probably the poster child for this one.

Meme

All readers of Stirrup Queens have been tagged to do this meme, and since it seems like the right time of year to reflect back on 2006 and look forward to 2007, I decided to do it tonight.

Things I learned this year
1) Our new city agrees with me
2) I love dogs

People you met
1) I "knew" her already, but this year was the first time I really "met" Kathleen, who is one of my favorite people on Earth.
2) I also met all of my students, and in spite of their slacker tendancies, I really do love them.

Things you don't want to take with you into 2007
1) Infertility
2) A negative attitude

Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2007
1) My family
2) All the pets, but especially Codi since she's been so sick

Things you're looking forward to in 2007
1) Being a mom
2) Finishing my teaching certification

Things that were life changing in 2006
1) Getting a diagnosis for my infertility
2) Moving here from DC

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007
1) Becoming a mom
2) Starting my Masters

Welcome Home, Codi!!!

The vet called this afternoon to say that he felt Codi was well enough to come home, so right after work I got to pick her up! She looks so much better. She's active, eating, and basically behaving like her old self. She's still painfully thin, but should fatten up pretty quickly again. We're going to take her back in next week for some follow-up tests, but for now at least she's not on any heart medication.

I can't even say how good it feels to have her back. We planned to put up our Christmas tree last week, but without her it just didn't feel right. Now our whole family is together again, and it looks like we're going to stay that way for a long, long time.

Gradually Improving

Well, the bad news is that Codi isn't coming home this weekend. She's steadily improving but she's started to have some small liver problems that mean that she needs to be tube fed for the next couple of days. Our vet doesn't think this is something we need to panic over, and apparently it's not uncommon for cats to develop these kinds of issues if they don't eat for a couple of days, but since she's still pretty lethargic he doesn't trust her to eat on her own if she comes home.

The good news is that overall her health is really improving, and the major problems that we've been so worried about for the last few days are resolving themselves. In the long run she's definitely going to have health problems related to this episode, but as long as she can recover from the events of this week we should be able to manage whatever those problems are. Ultimately I'm feeling pretty good about her prognosis right now, but we need to wait until these liver problems are fixed before we'll know exactly what the future will hold for her health-wise.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers for our little kitty, and I'll keep you updated if anything changes. For now, I need to get ready for my last class of the semester (WOO HOO!) and then buckle down for a weekend of non-stop grading.

Cautiously Optimistic

First of all, thank you all SO MUCH for the well wishes you left in the comments section. It means a lot to me and J.

The best news is that Codi survived the night. I've talked to the vet twice today already and he's "cautiously encouraged" by her progress. The pulmonary edema (fluid in her lungs) has resolved itself. Yay!!! This means that she's not having trouble breathing anymore, so he's been able to get her off the oxygen.

The bad news is that her heart muscles are enlarged, which points emphatically towards heart failure. There's medication we can give her to manage it depending on how well she recovers from this episode, but in the long run, heart failure is still heart failure. She's also not eating yet or moving around much, but that doesn't seem to be concerning the vet too much. Given all the stress her poor little body has been under for the last 48 hours, lethargy is to be expected.

The vet is keeping her with him again tonight and we'll re-assess the situation again tomorrow afternoon. I hope she can come home, but I worry about what could happen if she starts having problems again while J and I are at work.

Worst Case Scenario

Codi is in critical condition. J took her to the vet this morning and it turned out that she had a pleural effusion (I know I'm not spelling that right, but I don't care) which means that there was a buildup of fluid in her chest. They drained about a cup and then sent her home with J. Well, she went downhill really quickly, and J called me while I was driving home to let me know that he was taking her back to the vet. The vet did an x-ray and discovered that she now has pulmonary edema, or fluid buildup inside her lungs. Basically, she's probably going into heart failure.

The vet is keeping her overnight (he's actually taking her home with him so he can monitor her heart) and will call us if things get worse. He's giving her a 50% chance of surviving this, and J and I are just beside ourselves. There's a chance that the edema could be a result of how quickly they drained the original fluid--apparently it happens a lot in humans--but the vet didn't want us to get our hopes up.

Anyway, if you can send any healthy thoughts or prayers Codi's way, we'd really appreciate it.

What the...

It's 26 degrees here this morning. TWENTY-SIX DEGREES! Brrrrrrrr! So much for an easy winter.

Codi's appointment is later this morning, and I'll post an update tonight. Thank you all who left well wishes for her in the comments on Tuesday.

Oh, and on a final (somewhat disjointed) note, does everyone see how effed up my template is now? I switched to Blogger Beta, and the navbar at the top looks like it's taking over my masthead when I open up the blog. Does it look this way to you guys? If so, I'll try to fix it over the weekend.

Scared

So, I haven't posted about this before because I kept trying to tell myself that it was nothing, but Codi is clearly sick. She's behaving normally (well, as normal as Codi ever behaves) but has dropped at least 3 lbs. in the last month or two. We did switch her and Arcadia to diet food awhile back, but there's just no way that diet food alone would account for this weight loss, and we've both finally realized that she needs to go to the vet for tests. Lots of tests. J is taking her in on Thursday, and my guess is that we won't know anything until sometime next week.

Anyway, this is a big part of the reason why I haven't been posting much. Writing about it makes it seem real, and the idea of my baby kitty really being sick scares the crap out of me. Any good or healthy thoughts you can send her way would be much appreciated.

Back to work

The last week has been heavenly. I've worked a bit, spent a lot of time re-bonding with Jasper, and generally just relaxed as much as possible. The semester will be over in three weeks (when Christmas break begins) and it seems like time is just zipping by. Where did November go? For that matter, what happened to June, July, and August?

Well, regardless, I'm heading back to the classroom tomorrow. I can't say that I'm exactly looking forward to waking up at 6:00 in the morning for the first time in nine days, but I am looking forward to seeing my kids again. Plus, I can't wait to wear the cute new outfits that I picked up on Black Friday!

My mother will be so proud

Guess whose blog comes up on the first page when you Google "babysitting disaster stories"? Just guess.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for many things this holiday season, but the ability to laugh at myself really has to top the list.

Well, it's about freaking time

Remember this? Well, I finally got a call from my OB/GYN this afternoon. FINALLY! I told him that we'd done a lot of soul-searching and that we decided that we wanted to at least get the appointment scheduled in case we're not pregnant by the time it comes around. Since it should take at least 2-3 months to actually get seen, and we'll be almost 6 months post-lap by then, he agreed that making the appointment now was a good idea.

I still have to wait for our insurance to process the request (which probably won't happen for 2-3 weeks) but after then I can make the appointment. I wish things were moving faster at this point, but for now I'm satisfied that the referral is in the pipeline and that we should be in a position to have an RE appointment by my birthday. More than anything else, I hope we end up not having to meet with the RE, but it's going to be nice to have this appointment to fall back on in case it becomes necessary.

Speaking Up

Hypothetical question: Say you're infertile. Say that you share this information with a (formerly) close friend, share your blog address, and in doing so share all your deep, innermost secret thoughts about how it's killing you not to be able to get pregnant. Say this friend essentially cuts off all contact with you for six months, then shows up again out of the blue. Say that after exchanging a few e-mails she tells you that she's pregnant and then disappears again. What do you do?

If you're me, you let it eat at you for months before deciding to write a blog post about it.

Here's the thing--I don't want to be treated like a pariah. I don't want people to feel like they have to cut off all contact with me if they get pregnant before I do. That's not friendship. If you don't know what to say, ask me. If you feel uncomfortable, tell me. If you're just not sure how to act around me, start a conversation. Don't just abandon me. Don't just pretend we were never close.

I don't even know if the person I'm writing about even still reads this blog. Part of me hopes that she doesn't because of how much sensitive information I post here. I don't want someone who doesn't value our friendship to know some of these things. Then again, part of me hopes that she does occasionally check in because I need her to know how I feel. I need her to know that her actions had repercussions, and that she's hurt me. Deeply.

Don't knock it until you've tried it

We're all guilty of doing it, but I have to say that one of my biggest pet peeves is hearing people put down places or things that they've never actually experienced. Restaurants, schools, hobbies, and (particularly for this post) cities.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of city-bashing. There are reasons why I don't ever want to live in Salt Lake again, reasons why I'm hesitant to move back to the DC area, and reasons why I don't love El Paso 100 percent of the time, but those reasons are all based on experiences. I've lived in these cities and formed my opinions based on the years I spent in them. If you don't like a city after living there for several years, then you plain don't like it. Move somewhere else, end of story. If you just think you don't like a place but have never actually experienced life there (and no, a weekend trip in college doesn't count) then, in my humble opinion, you have no business telling other people that it's not a nice place to live.

In case you were wondering, this rant isn't coming out of thin air. I've now lived in El Paso long enough to form a very definite opinion about whether or not I like it (the answer is yes) and it really bothers me when I see people who have never lived here say disparaging things about it. For example, the author of a blog I read is considering a move here. A number of people replied to the post and encouraged her to move somewhere else. They didn't give reasons or personal experiences, just flat-out told her that she'd be happier elsewhere. I can't even tell you how much this bugs me.

True, if you don't like the idea of living so close to the Mexican border, El Paso may not be the city for you. If you're not willing to learn conversational Spanish, you might want to move elsewhere. If you don't like the desert, friendly people, or beautiful sunsets, this is not the city for you. These people didn't think about those things, though. Instead they made stupid, prejudicial, and flat-out wrong assumptions about El Paso.

In the interest of full disclosure, I made a lot of those same assumptions before our move. I didn't think I would like El Paso, didn't think I'd be able to find a job without learning Spanish, and didn't think I'd ever feel at home here. I was wrong. It's a mistake that I won't be making again, and one that I wish more people would stop committing.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...

I was planning to be productive today, I swear. All I had on my agenda was cleaning and lesson planning. That was it. For its part, the cleaning went great. We scoured the house from top to bottom, and it ended up looking better than it has in weeks. I paid special attention to the kitchen since it's spent most of the last month looking like it's been hit by a tornado.

After we finished, we realized that we were almost completely out of food, so we took a break to go grocery shopping. I happened to make an offhand comment to J about wanting to make some special hot chocolate tonight after dinner. This hot chocolate comes in incredibly hard chocolate wheels, which then have to be broken apart and blended with hot milk in a blender. It's delicious, but a PITA to make.

J half-jokingly commented that if I wanted hot chocolate we should probably buy a new blender since our current one was on its last legs. Seeing as how I'd owned the blender since college (and it had been a hand-me-down from my aunt before that) I didn't argue with him. We took the groceries home then headed back out to Linens N Things for a blender. Just a blender.

Well, if you're anything like me, you can't walk into Linens N Things without seeing at least a dozen household gadgets that you simply must have. I can usually resist the temptation to buy most of these things, but today I saw the ONE gadget that I'd secretly been pining for since I'd first seen it on an infomercial last year.



Bake and Fill cake pans!!!

If you haven't seen the infomercial, the purpose of these pans is to make cakes with more than one filling. For example:



They are possibly the coolest cake pans ever, and I've been sorely tempted to call the 1-800 number and order a set for myself on more than one occasion. Now, here they were right in front of me. Naturally, I grabbed J's arm and proceeded to tell him what a fabulous product this was and that I absolutely MUST have one. J, who knows better than to argue with me when I'm like this, told me to toss it in the cart, and, for good measure, to get the miniature set too. You know, just in case we ever need to make 10,000 filled cakes at the same time.

Well, since we were now buying these amazing cake pans, we obviously needed some cake mix and frosting. Back to the grocery store!


(pay no attention to the Snausages--we decided it wasn't fair for us to get treats if Jasper didn't get to have any)

By this point our whole schedule for the day was shot. It was late afternoon and I hadn't done an iota of lesson planning. Still, I wasn't about to let a little thing like my job get in the way of trying out my new toys. I proceeded to spend the next TWO HOURS in the kitchen, baking. I didn't get to my lesson planning until after 7:00, but I did end up with all of these goodies:


(for those of you wondering just WTF I baked, the ones on the left are miniature Funfetti cakes filled with vanilla pudding, the one in the middle is a Devil's Food cake filled with yellow cake, and the cupcakes on the right are just cupcakes.)

Oh, and my nice, clean kitchen? The kitchen I spent so much time scouring this morning? It once again looked like it had been hit by a tornado. A tornado that likes to bake.



Guess this means that I'll have to spend another morning cleaning it very soon. And then I might need to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things...

Month in Review

Well, I've just finished my first month of teaching. It's really flown by, though simultaneously I almost can't believe it's only been a month.

Overall, I couldn't be happier. I'm excited to go to work every morning and to see my students and coworkers. While I do have a few "problem" kids, most of them are incredibly sweet and fun, and (shockingly) I now know all of their names. To be honest, I didn't expect to feel this good about teaching after just one month. At my last job, I felt completely overwhelmed and out of my element at the one-month mark. My boss was great, but I just didn't feel like I knew what I was doing. I don't have any of those feelings about teaching. Sure, I worry that I might be missing something in my lectures and I'm concerned that my kids might not be getting the best possible instruction because I'm so new, but teaching feels incredibly natural to me. I never run out of things to say or questions to ask. I never feel out of my element. It's wonderful.

I'm so incredibly thankful that I got this position. So incredibly thankful. Not only am I more professionally fulfilled than I've ever been before, but I'm not constantly obsessing about infertility. Being infertile doesn't define who I am right now. It's a big part of my life, but not the most important part anymore. I feel like I've been given an incredible gift, and I still can't believe it's really happening to me.

Grrr Argh

My OB/GYN appears to be ignoring my phone call. Either that or he's out of town and his nurse didn't bother to mention it when I called yesterday. Ugh. I finally try to get the ball rolling and immediately I hit another roadblock. The clinic is closed tomorrow for a long weekend, so I probably won't be able to get in touch with him again until Tuesday.

In other news, I have a cold. Ick.

Jaw-Dropping

I really don't know what to celebrate first.

In other news, I placed a call to my OB/GYN today to get the ball rolling on that RE referral and he hasn't called me back yet. Anti-climactic, but that's where we are.

Planning to vote?

I love Election Day. I love choosing my favorite candidates, love getting that "I Voted!" sticker, and ESPECIALLY love watching the returns come in. When I was a kid, Election Day meant coming home from school and spending the rest of the night in front of the TV with my dad, waiting to see if any Democrats were actually elected in the state of Utah. It was always a fun night, and now that I'm all grown up, I have my own little Election Day traditions. Namely, I go to a party if there is one (and there were always parties when we lived in DC) or I stay at home with yummy takeout and flip channels all night to see which networks are calling which states for which candidates.

I am such a geek.

J tolerates my political junkie tendancies, but is far more interested in the drama surrounding possible vote tampering with the new electronic voting machines. As I type this, he's sitting on the other side of the family room, watching an HBO short film on the security (or lack thereof) of Diebold's machines. He (if you haven't been able to figure it out already) is also a geek. Ah, love.

Naturally, we're both pretty excited about tomorrow's election since it could mean a shift back to a Democratic Congress. My fingers and toes are crossed for victories in the House and the Senate. If the Dems do regain power, I know that part of me will feel a small pang for my old job back in DC. A Democratic Congress would have made so many things easier for my company over the last few years. Regardless, I'm looking forward to tomorrow night and can't wait to talk to my dad and my old boss about the results once they're all in.

So, happy Election Day tomorrow, everyone! Vote early and often!

Productivity

Thank you all for the kind comments and e-mails you sent in response to my last post. It ended up being a really rough day personally and professionally, and reading those messages when I got home made a world of difference.

I did my best to stay busy and distracted this weekend so I wouldn't dwell on yet another failed cycle. J and I watched the entire sixth season of Gilmore Girls, I knitted up a storm, did lesson planning for the next two weeks, and even finished all of my reading and homework for my two grad classes. As Sunday night comes to a close, I'm feeling much more productive and in control than I was late last week, and some of my lost perspective on the whole situation has come back.

Regarding the RE, my reaction to the end of this last cycle has made it blatantly obvious to me that I need to pick up the phone and get that ball rolling. My gut is once again telling me that natural cycles just aren't going to work for us, and I'm no longer feeling any hesitation over moving on to treatments. So, I'm taking the number in to work with me tomorrow and making the call during my morning conference period. I'm under no illusions about how long it's going to take to get the referral from my current OB/GYN, and realistically I probably won't see the RE until February or possibly March (he has an incredibly long wait list for first appointments) but at least it'll be something to look forward to while we continue to try on our own. Given J's and my work schedules and my current lack of accumulated sick days, I doubt we'd be able to do IVF (if it comes to that) until the summer anyway, so waiting until the spring to see the doctor doesn't necessarily feel like a bad thing.

This is the point at which all that perspective goes flying out the window

Cycle 20. Fuck. Fucking fuckity FUCK!

Perspective on the precipice

I'm 13 days past ovulation. Tomorrow I should know one way or the other if I'm pregnant. If not, I'll move to Cycle 20. Today I'm standing on the edge of 20 months since we started trying to conceive. Twenty months of negative pregnancy tests, anger, and disappointment. Twenty months of hope, and 20 months of anger.

Thinking about this, I know I have to hold on to three things. First, we (finally) have a diagnosis. Second, I have a wonderful husband, wonderful pets, and an all-around wonderful life aside from infertility. Third, I, not infertility, control my life and my attitude. I have to look for the silver lining because otherwise what's the point? I've said it before and I'll say it again--this entire exercise, all the things I've gone through thanks to the basic desire to build a family with J, is pointless if I destroy all the good things I have in the quest for a child. There's no getting around that.

I've never stopped believing that someday I will be a mother. Someday this will all be behind me. When that day arrives, I want to have a life to go back to. I want to be proud of the things I've accomplished, proud of the way I handled myself during this time, and proud of the person I am. Today, as I'm staring 20 months in the face, I have to put things in perspective.

It's not a baby, but I'll take it

At this point, I always compare everything I do to having a baby. We bought a house because we couldn't have a baby. We got Jasper because I needed something small and cute to distract me from not having a baby. I changed careers and got a new job because I might as well do something worth doing while I'm busy not having a baby. The list goes on and on. These things make me happy, but they don't fill that hole in my heart caused by infertility.

All of this is a roundabout way of tying this post into Infertility Awareness Week by talking about how every single decision, every single purchase, and every single life choice we make at this point is informed by infertility. When you're infertile, it never leaves your mind. It's always there, lurking, waiting for something, ANYTHING to bring it to the forefront. It's there when you're trying to make moderate to large life decisions. Do we buy a house with three bedrooms on the assumption that eventually we will use one as a nursery? Survey says: Yes. Do we buy Disney movies in the belief that one day a small child will demand to watch The Little Mermaid for the millionth time? Survey says: Yes. Do we buy furniture that we'd be fine with a child potentially ruining with spilled juice or milk? Survey says: No.

Three guesses what J and I did over the weekend. Sometimes you just have to do something for yourself and damn the consequences.



Apologies for the tags still on the couch and J's armchair. We're a little paranoid about taking them off.



And finally, my new comfy chair in all its glory:

I hear it in my head

Oh dear. I may really be in trouble here. I think I want another tattoo.

I have one tattoo. It's a Celtic knot about two inches long, and it runs over my right shoulderblade. It was my 21st birthday present to myself, and it wasn't exactly a spur-of-the-moment thing. I actually hemmed and hawed about getting it for almost a year before deciding on a pattern (after a half dozen visits to the tattoo parlor) and an artist. I was very sure about this tattoo. I was also very, very sure it was going to be the last one I ever got. One tattoo seemed cool and hip, but any more than that seemed...well, not.

Fast forward four years, and I think I want another one. An acquaintance recently posted a picture of her new tattoo on a message board I read, and I loved it. Loved the design, loved the symbolism (fertility-related), and the idea of getting another one suddenly appealed. I haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since. Of course, if Idecide to do it, the timing would be perfect since J wants another tattoo in the near future too. Unlike me, he thinks they're all cool--this one coming up will be his fourth.

On a somewhat related note, today marks the beginning of Infertility Awareness Week. You can read more about it here. In keeping with the theme, I'll be blogging about infertility all week (just like most other weeks) and highlighting a few other infertility blogs I really love.

Sleeeeeeeep

Good Lord, I'm beat! I had no idea that teaching was so physically demanding! When I'm not lecturing (on my feet) I'm wandering around the class making sure people are doing their work (also on my feet) or tutoring a student who needs extra help (usually sitting down, but still exhausting in its own way). And then there's the grading. The neverending grading. Right now I have over a hundred quizzes just sitting in my bookbag, waiting to be graded. Ick. Grading is my least favorite thing to do at the moment.

Overall, as I end the second week of my new job, I'm very happy. I know most of my students' names at this point, I know I've connected to many of them on a personal level, and the ones who've decided they don't like me can just suck it up and deal. My colleagues have been nothing but supportive and helpful, and my boss has told me that she thinks I'm doing a good job. The only thing I could really want now is more sleep. I'm fine while I have a class going, but during my conference periods it's all I can do to keep from laying my head down on my desk for a nice little nap. If there was space in my room for a couch, I might just consider bringing one in for a quick break every now and then.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is that I feel like I need to justify my desire to jump into bed before 9:00 every night. I can't, of course, because i have lessons to plan and the aforementioned papers to grade, but I really want to. This weekend can't come fast enough, and I'm already looking forward to the week I'll have off at Thanksgiving just because I want to catch up on my sleep deficit!

I know that at some point parts of this will get easier. I'll get more adept at planning my lessons, I'll actually have a free conference period now and then to catch up on my grading, and the being-on-my-feet thing won't be so hard anymore. Until then, though, I may have to resign myself to the fact that it's okay to hop into bed right after dinner if I really need the rest.

Huh, who knew?

Well, apparently I have more free time than I thought because I found this quiz on a friend's blog and decided to give it a whirl. Veeerrrry interesting...

What City Best Fits you??

TOKYOYou like to be in touch with the advanced and futuristic, you also like to be more advanced for your own good. you like to be in a mild place were it's quite crowded but then again secluded. You just like to explore the older culture mixed with the technology. you don't let things get in your way that why your determined and down to earth Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Too busy to blog

Many apologies for the lack of posts. I feel like I'm spending all my free time on work-related stuff (grading papers, planning lessons, etc...) and have zero time or mental energy to devote to my life outside of the school. Still no phone call to my OB/GYN. Still no decision on whether or not I'm going to do it. Limbo continues.

I am such a party animal

So, it's Friday night, I just finished my first week at a new job (I won't go into details, but things are going very well, and my department head has told me that she thinks I'm doing great), and what am I doing? Sitting on the couch doing homework and feeling annoyed that I didn't have time to run to the craft store before it closed tonight. I need more yarn for a scarf I'm knitting.

Yep, that's one exciting life I'm living.

I like routines, I like being an "adult", and I like having responsibilities, but sometimes I wonder if I'm not missing out on some key elements of being a young twentysomething. Other women my age are going to parties, staying out until all hours on weekends, and generally enjoying their youth. I like my life, but I've always been a conservative as far as experiences go. I had to be dragged kicking and screaming into almost every mildly risky/risque thing I've done, and even then there have been times when I've really just wanted to stay home with a good book.

What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Search me. Will I have some kind of terrible midlife crisis in another 20 years and decide to make up for all of those years I spent doing "adult" things when I could have been partying? Will I just always regret not being more adventurous? Does any of it matter at all? I'm not sure, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. When I'm middle-aged, what will I look back on and regret not doing?

Housekeeping

I've come to a few decisions about the blog that I hope will serve to protect my privacy in the face of my new job and shouldn't be too disruptive for anyone who enjoys reading it. For starters, I'm going to go back through all of my old posts and delete mine and Husband's names. From here on out, we're C and J. That also means that I'll become C whenever I respond to a post made on another blog, so if you're used to seeing me in your comments section, just look for C and my trademark cherry blossoms photo.

Secondly, I'm going to delete any references I've made to the name of our city. I'm not, however, going to delete the posts I made about the flood in August, since I really do like them. We'll see how this works for now. If I start getting hits from local ISPs, I'll make more changes, but for now I think this should be sufficient.

Thankks for your understanding!

Insomnia, Part 984,596

It's 2:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. Why can't I sleep? Because I'm thinking about school. I'm thinking about things I should have said or done yesterday instead of the things I actually said or did. Not that I screwed up in any major way, but at 2:00 in the morning it's hard for me not to rehash the previous day and point out all my mistakes to myself ad nauseum.

It's always hard to start a new job. I think it takes at least 3 months in any new position before you really get settled in and learn the ropes procedures-wise. That means that by the start of the new semester, I should be feeling a whole lot more comfortable than I do now. Still, in my experience those first three months can really suck sometimes. So far I'm loving my new position (and really, I've only been teaching for three days, though it feels like MUCH longer) but I think I need to remind myself that I'm new, the transition has been really disruptive for the kids, and it's okay if I make some minor mistakes while I'm still getting oriented. And, more importantly, it's okay to GO BACK TO SLEEP when I start thinking about those mistakes.

Hell, handbasket. Handbasket, hell.

This is where my motivation to call my OB/GYN for an RE referral has gone. I know it's related to how overwhelmed I am right now about the new job, new responsibilities, and (basically) entirely new identity. Teacher. I am a Teacher. It still weirds me out to type that. The bottom line, though, is that I'm torn about what to do. On the one hand, I know that I want to get the referral ball rolling so I can get in to see the city's one and only RE. On the other, could I even handle adding one more thing to my suddenly jam-packed schedule? My gut can't make up its mind about what it thinks I should do, so I'm stuck in limbo.

There's a big part of my brain that says having so much doubt and wishy-washiness about making a stupid phone call is, well, stupid. I mean, I have a phone in my classroom--it's not like I can't pick it up during my conference period and call my doctor. I think he'll argue with me about giving the referral (the RE won't even see me if I don't have one--I checked) but ultimately he's said all along that it's my money and my decision. So why haven't I done it yet? What am I so afraid of? I really don't know.

Does Not Play Well With Others

I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Not only am I officially taking over my classroom tomorrow, but one of my team members in the online class I'm taking this semester has totally dropped the ball, leaving the rest of us SOL. We absolutely cannot finish our assignment without her, and it's due early tomorrow.

I hate group work. No, let me rephrase that, I DESPISE group work. I don't like trying to compromise with people when I know their ideas are wrong or dumb, I don't like having to postpone finishing an assignment because someone else is being lazy, and I really don't like having to pick up the slack when one of my team members flakes out on me.

Ugh. She's a sweet lady, but if we get a zero on this assignment, I may have to kill her.

UPDATED: Finally, at 9:00 at night, she checks in. Freaking 9:00 at night on a Sunday! I cannot wait for this class to be over.